


Finding our ways back

by orchidwai_hunho



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, Realistic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-01-25 01:25:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 23,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12519816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orchidwai_hunho/pseuds/orchidwai_hunho
Summary: Suho didn't know that little innocent and adorable kid would shake his world years later.Sehun didn't know Suho's name back then, but he admired Suho.-x-x-x-NOT asking, not daring to ASK, they made a mistake.THEY assumed.And things fall apart.Could they be able to find their way back?





	1. Are we falling apart?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, this is Orchid Wai ^_^
> 
> I love HUNHO greatly. This is boyxboy fiction. This is all my imagination of events going on with EXO in the past 9 years. :) 
> 
> I am welcoming all subscribers and readers XD

**Are we falling apart?**

(2016 - August)

 

“What is wrong with you? You obviously care about me. You are also aware of my feelings. But you still act like I’m just your younger brother.  **I AM NOT**. I have older brother, a biological one.” Se Hun exploded for the first time.

Suho got nothing to say. He just looked at Se Hun with sorrowful eyes for a second and look away.

“ **LOOK**  at me!”

Se Hun grabbed Suho’s shoulder and shook him. Still, he couldn’t make Suho looked at him in the eyes.

 

“I am tired of being in the dark, Hyung.”

Suho couldn’t say a word. Everything he wants to say doesn’t matter.  _How could he say out loud? That he’s the one being incompetent. He’s the one dragging Sehun down._

“Do you love me?”

That question bring Suho’s eyes upward.  _Of course I do._

“Answer me.”

Sehun level himself down to Suho. Bring their lips together. Suho pushed Sehun away.

 

“Right.”

Sehun stands uptight. His eyes hardening, looking away from me. He released me, went into our room. I heard things being thrown into a bag.

I immediately went into the room.

“What are you doing, Hunnie?” Out of habits, the name Hunnie came out. 

“Moving out.”

 

He’s pissed off.

“Are you pissed at me?”

He laughs. I am scared. I didn't mean to. I want us to be together but...

“Pissed off?”

He immediately stopped whatever he’s doing, he held me down against the wall.

“Do you love me?”

 

 _I can’t_. I want those words let out. I want to let him know how much I love him. How much I adore him. How much I treasure him.  _But if we are in a relationship, if he might leave me like..., if he..._

“No, I am hurt. I am not pissed off. I’m hurt because of you.”

Sehun moved away.  _I? I hurt him?_

Suho is frozen on that spot. He saw Sehun moving beautifully, collecting his things but there are so many things they shared. He saw Sehun being indecisive about leaving or taking the aftershave that they shared. Not just aftershave, shampoo, conditioner, towels, identical bathrobes which he just grabbed one.

“Stop Sehun.”

Sehun stopped immediately, waiting for me to say something but still refusing to look at his way.

“If someone is moving out, it’s me.”

Before Sehun could say anything, Suho quickly go out of the room. If he leaves now, it’s possible for them to make up again. If Sehun leaves, he wouldn’t know how to win him back. He could beg Kyungsoo to move out from Kai and Chanyeol’s room. Because Sehun couldn’t sleep alone. He quickly go find Kyungsoo but Kyungsoo went out with Chanyeol.

 

“Hyung, what happened? Why you looked like you’re about to collapse?”

“I’m fine. Jongin-ah, could you please stay with Sehun? This one night?”

“Hyung.”

Jongin help Suho to sit down. Jongin doesn’t know what happened but he knew something really had upset Suho.

“Sehunnie... he couldn’t sleep alone. Could you please stay with him? I am fine. Just tonight? Jongin, please go stay with Sehun. Make sure he slept well. He got filming for his movie tomorrow. He can’t get dark circles. He would get headache.”

“Hyung, I understand. I know. I will send Baekhyun to Sehun. Sehun will be fine. Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Not me. Sehun… he’s alone right now. He said I hurt him. He doesn’t look good. He’s….”

Jongin quickly get out of the room and ran into Baekhyun’s room. He shouted Baekhyun to immediately go into Sehun’s room and get also medicine for anxiety for Suho. Manager Hyung has shown everyone where the anti-anxiety bottle is kept because of Suho episode. Suho Hyung was stressed when Kris left.

 

“Hyung, here.”

Suho was sweating a lot. Jongin wants to scold Sehun to get down here and apologize to Suho. Even if it’s Suho who did something wrong, he didn’t care. Suho Hyung never meant bad, evil. He always meant good.

Kai sent a text message to Sehun that Suho is having a minor anxiety attack because of him. He knew Suho loves Sehun in both brotherly way and romantic way. But Suho never said anything and he wished if…

Jongin stopped his thoughts right there. Kris is past now. And he is with Soojung now.

Suho swallowed down the medicine and finally sat down on his bed.

“Hyung, lie down.”

Suho let Kai took care of him. He close his eyes and he saw a pair of eyes filled with hurt. And he is the sole responsibility for all these hurting. Even with his eyes shut, tears managed to flow out. Knowing those pair of eyes of Se Hun were once very shiny and sparkling when meeting with his very own. The moment Sehun is a part of his life…

 

 


	2. First Encounter  (2007 - 9 years ago)

**First Encounter**

(2007 - 9 years ago)

 

Suho is still a trainee at SM. He was 16. He is a trainee at SM since he’s 14. He just finished high-school. Today is his older brother graduation day. It’s also the day his life changed. It’s the day he met the love of his life.

“I can’t believe your company will not let you off on the day of your brother graduation!”

Suho’s father is furious because Suho is late. He don’t have time to dress up so he just grabbed a nice jacket and wore a nice pair of shoe he has.

“Dad, it’s not like this. No one get a special treatment.”

“I don’t want to listen anymore. Your brother is asking you all day.”

Suho sighed. His parents are professors. He only could back off and listen whatever they had to blame. They will never understand his passion to sing, act and be an idol one day.

 

“AH!”

I looked down. Some kid is bumping into me. He is on the ground, glaring at me. I am speechless. He’s the one bumped into me and now he’s glaring at me.

“Get up.”

He blinked at the stern of my voice.

“Get up and apologize to Hyung properly.”

“Why should I?”

He still got perplexed expression on his face. I think he is in rebellious stage.

“Give me your hand.”

I gave out my hand. He blinked twice at me and looked around.  _Why is he alone?_

He finally give me his hand and I helped him stand up.

“Listen to Hyung. When you bumped into someone, especially strangers and older, you have to bow down and apologize because that’s what a good kid does.”

“But I am not a kid.”

I smiled. He is a kid, indeed. But of course I can’t call him a kid.

“Of course, of course. You are not a kid. My bad. My bad. It’s called manners and kids don’t have manners like this. If you are not a kid, you should learn such manners, don’t you think?”

He seemed to be in deep thought. He doesn’t look at me. I loved this kid already. He understand my words and consider the meaning carefully.

 

“Hyung is right. I am sorry. I should have walked carefully.” He bow finally and looked at me with twinkling eyes and an innocent smile on his face. I ruffled his hair and pinched his cheek. I can’t help myself. He’s so adorable just now.

“Hyung, you can’t do this to a man.”

His smile immediately turned into a frown.

“Hyung did this not because Hyung think you are a kid. Hyung did this because Hyung is extremely fond of you. Hyung only did this to you.”

“Only to me?”

He blinked innocently and asked. He’s a lot shorter than me so he is looking up at me. I laughed. And he also laughed along with me.

“Then, I am special to Hyung. Hyung is also special to me because everyone treats me like I’m 10 years old kid. I am 13. They don’t listen to me.” He pouted.

“You are 13? Then, you’re not a kid. What’s wrong with everyone?”

I played along with him, knowing I will get more of his innocent and adorable smiles. Yes, I got them.

“Hyung is the best. My name is Oh Se Hunnie. What is Hyung’s name?”

“Hyung is…”

 

“Joon-ah!!!” I heard my brother shouting me. I think it’s time for family picture. I got caught up with this kid and I didn’t even notice my parents disappeared.

“Coming!” I shouted back.

“Be good, Se Hunnie.” I ruffled his hair one more time and I ran to my brother.

_Back then, I did not know. I didn’t know that this kid is going to shake my world._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story will go one between 2016 and the Past. I guess you guys figure that much out already. ^_^  
> Why did Suho not agree to be with Sehun? Will reveal later :)


	3. A WEEK LATER  (2016 - August)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 is more a continuation of Chapter 1 which is happening currently. Please pay attention to the dates in the header, any confusion, please ask via comments. :)

**A WEEK LATER**

(2016 - August)

 

Oh yes, Jong In is pissed. Due to his leg injury, he couldn’t participate in Lotto Promotion. Sehun didn’t talk to him either because he took Joonmyun Hyung’s side.

But he did get a chance to curse at SEHUN. He was explaining Joonmyun’s current situation because he knew Se Hun wants to know but that brat was playing games and didn’t give him a fuck. I cursed so loud at Sehun that Jongdae and Minseok Hyung came and took me out of Se Hun’s room.

Now Joonmyun sleeps with him and Chan Yeol. Kyungsoo didn’t want to go to Joonmyun and Sehun’s room because it was so messy but because of Joonmyun, he agrees.

Joonmyun did not get another anxiety attack. He tried his best ignoring Sehun on Music Shows. He tried his best not showing his depressed side to fans. Oh, he did well. He did very well to the point that Se Hun cried one night.

 _Kai_  wasn’t intentionally eavesdropping.

Sehun was showering and I just came to grab lotion for Joonmyun. There’s separate space with curtain in the bathroom, so nothing is wrong with entering while other member is showering. I grabbed what I was looking for and about to go back to Joonmyun but I paused. I heard something. Some soft muffle sound.

I listened more carefully and I realized after a minute that it was the sound of Se Hun crying. I am about to let him know of my presence and I remembered Sehun and I aren’t talking.

I left the way I entered quietly.

 

Joonmyun was waiting for me in the room. I looked at the lotion in my hand,  _why would Joonmyun needs specifically this lotion?_ I looked at Joonmyun and he is looking at me expectedly.

“Here, your lotion.”

“Thanks, Jonginnie.”

And he put it down on the table besides his bed. He isn’t using it now.  _Why make me go grab it then?_  Joonmyun looks like he’s holding himself back but he wants to say something. Then I understand. He doesn’t want his lotion. Now Kai realized. Joonmyun didn’t even use lotion. He uses spray and mists. He just want me to go check on Sehun. He’s afraid I might get mad at him, or worse, at Sehun.

“Did you really care about him that much, Hyung?”

Joonmyun looked at me with perplexed expression.

“What do you mean?”

“Sehun. Why did you two fight?”

Joonmyun can’t say a word. He just stared blankly at his feet. Jongin sat next to him.

“Because of me.”

Jongin is so frustrated that he wanted to grab the leader by two hands and shook him so hard.  _Why he must take it all upon himself? Why he insisted on blaming himself only?_

“Sehunnie, he’s crying.”

That makes Joonmyun’s head snapped up. He automatically stood up, his feet ready to run to his lover. Then, he paused.

“My fault. All my fault.” Joonmyun collapsed on the floor, hands in his face.

“GO make up with him! You two loved each other so much, why fight? Why make yourself miserable? Hyung, I can’t watch you like this.”

Jongin shouts at his leader. He didn’t mean to.

So he soothes out his anger, kneeling in front of his leader. He pulls Joonmyun into his embrace. He could feel his Hyung’s pain. Joonmyun doesn’t need to speak. He understands it all. Because at some point, he had been in love with Joonmyun.


	4. I am His  (2013 - January)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Period ; Growl Era  
> Setting ; Dorm and Neighborhood

**I am His**

**(2013 - January)**

”Hyung”

Suho looked up from reading his favorite manga ‘One Piece’. Kai is holding his three babies and he clearly needed help.

“Need help in walking puppies?”

Sehun is eyeing them.  _How? Kai just called his name._

“Hyung knows me.” Jongin laughs as Suho immediately grabbed his hoodie and went out.  _He didn’t even say goodbye to me._  Sehun did not like this. He felt not good. He is mad. Sehun did not know why. He doesn’t like that Suho went out with Jongin alone. He doesn’t like the fact that Jongin didn’t even have to ask in words for Suho to know what he needs more. Every little things annoyed Sehun and he could not stay in bed in the room that he shared with SUHO anymore.

He slammed the door shut and he saw Baekhyun and Jongdae in the living room.

 

“Where are they?”

“Where are who?”

Sehun rolled his eyes.

“Jongin and hyung.”

 

Baekhyun and Jongdae exchanged looks.

“Went out, laughing and joking. Are they dating?” Baekhyun asked Sehun.

“They are both MEN. How?” Sehun felt outrageous by Baekhyun.

“You don’t know?” Jongdae laughed at Sehun.

“What’s there to know?”

“I am not sure about Suho Hyung but Jongin is definitely gay.”

Both Jongdae and Baekhyun laughed at their maknae. It’s about time Maknae grow up.

 

“I… He never mentioned. Did Suho Hyung know?”

“Of course he knows. Everyone knows except you. Besides, Jongin had a thing for Suho in training days.”

“What do you mean?”

“Come on, Sehun. It’s pretty obvious. Jongin is always staring at Suho Hyung. He is asking Manager to let him stay in the same room as Suho. Next month, they are gonna be roommates.”

“I am not giving my room to Jongin.”

Jongdae laughs.

“You think it’s up to you? Suho and Jongin wants to live together. Manager Hyung is gonna agree.”

Sehun is worried and extremely sad by Jongdae words.  _Why did Suho not want me?_

“Suho hyung hates me? He did not want me to be his roommate?”

Sehun felt tears in his eyes. He wants to cry.  _Why Suho choose Jongin instead of me?_

 

“It’s not like this. Sehun, if they wants to be together, it’s better if you leave them to be.”

Baekhyun said with a sigh and went into his room with Kyungsoo.

 

 _NO._ Sehun thought. He dialed Suho’s number. He has to ask himself. He needs to know if Suho wants him. Or not. He know it’s not the latter.  _Suho Hyung always take such a great care of me. There’s no way that Suho Hyung didn’t want me._

Suho did not pick up.

Sehun called again. He went out of the house to look for Suho.

It’s freezing outside. He ran. He is not sure where Suho went but he had to look for Suho. He needed to see Suho. He ran and he kept calling Suho.

Suho picked up at 5th call.

“Yeah, Sehunnie.”

“Hyung, where are you? I’m looking for you everywhere.”

Sehun stopped running. As soon as he stopped running, the cold hit him hard.

“We were back at our dorm. Jongin forgot his phone.”

 

 _Dorm?_ Sehun wants to go back and meet his hyung. But he did not know where he ran. He ran too fast. He remembers he doesn’t have his cap or his mask with him. If fans were to spot him…

“Hyung, I’m lost. I… I don’t know where I am. I am cold.”

“What?”

Sehun hold the phone like his life depends on it. Suho’s breathing got fast and he heard the sound of footsteps.

 

“What did you see around you? Any building? Any café or any restaurant?”

“I…”

Sehun looked around. He is at some street. He hugged himself tighter and go looked for places Suho asked him. He saw one. It was a small night pub.

“Hyung, I saw #*$&^#^ pub.”

“WHAT? Don’t go near it!!! What if someone recognized you? Wait for me, I will find that place.”

“Hyung, don’t hang up.”

“I won’t. Wait for me. Dun make eye-contact with anyone. I will come get you, ok? Hyung is coming. Don’t be scared.”

“Okay.”

Sehun is shaking now. He did not think about the consequences of his actions. He was stupid. He was stupid to go blindly and look for Suho. He was stupid not to wear enough clothes for January weather. He was so stupid.  _Now I’m like a trouble for Suho. No wonder Suho does not want me. Who would want troublemaker like me?_ Sehun felt warm fluids on his cheek. He is shaking and he’s crying.

Sehun listened to Suho’s words. He did not look at anyone, he kept his head low. He stayed in that position for so long

“Sehunnie?”

It is Suho voice. Sehun quickly looked up and meet with Suho’s eyes which are filled with worries.

“Oh my god!!! You’re freezing.”

“Hyung”

Suho quickly take off the beanie he is wearing and put it on Sehun. He also took off his gloves and wear it on Sehun. Suho hold Sehun’s face in his hands.

“Were you crying?”

Sehun shook his head even though there are still evidences of tears on his cheek.

 

“Don’t you think that one over there looked like EXO?” Two girls, one of them drunk, giving a careful looks at them.

 

Sehun eyes widened.

“Hyung…”  
“Shh! don’t speak a word. Make out with me.”

“What?”

Suho’s face came really close. Sehun can’t believe the situation he put them into. Suho’s hands holding Sehun’s face and his lips almost touched with Sehun’s.

_What is Suho Hyung doing? Why is my heart beating so fast?_

Sehun closed his eyes. He decided to trust Suho. He always does since Day 1.

 

“Don’t be ridiculous. You’re drunk. They are kissing. They are gays. Are EXO gays?”

“What if they’re gays? Come on, let’s go a little nearer. One of them really looked like Suho.”

 

“Shit!” Suho cursed and whispered. “I’m sorry, Sehun.”

 _Why did he apologize? It was clearly my fault._ Our lips touched. Out of shock, I gasped. Suho kissed Sehun hungrily, roaming his hands all over Sehun.

 

“Even if they’re gays, will they be making out in some dark streets? They would do privately, you idiot. Come, before we disturb their little moment.”

“You’re right. I’m a little drunk. EXO wouldn’t be making out in some streets.”

 

Sehun did not feel cold anymore. He feels hot. He doesn’t know how to look at Suho in the eyes after what they did. He merely kissed Suho back. He wanted to. He knew he wanted to. It’s scary. His heart almost bursts out of his chest.

“Did they leave?”

Sehun did not trust his lips to speak. So he nodded.

“I am sorry I kissed you.”

That makes Sehun looked at Suho. He saw the regret in Suho’s eyes.  _WHY?_ Sehun does not understand because he did not regret it. He wants to do it again with Suho.

 

“I won’t tell Luhan about this. I promise.”

 

 _Shit!_ Suho misunderstood. Everyone thought Sehun is interested in Luhan. Suho is one of them.

“Hyung… no, you…”

Suho’s phone rang.

“Hello? Jongin? Yeah, he’s fine. We’re coming back.”

 

Suho hanged up and give Sehun his jacket.

“No, I’m fine.”

“Come on, wear it. I don’t want you to be sick.”

“Then, take the gloves. Or Hyung is going to be sick.”

“I’m fine. Come.” Suho made Sehun wore his jacket. And Sehun took off one of the gloves.

“Hyung’s hands are warm. I am cold.”

Sehun gave the one glove to Suho and take Suho’s bare hand and put it on the pocket of the jacket.

“Now, we are all set.”

Suho can’t help but laughed at maknae gestures.

“Let’s go home.”

_I am holding Suho’s Hyung hands. I’m wearing his jacket. I am wearing his beanie. One of his gloves is on me. I felt like I belong to Suho. I am his._

* * *

 

_to be continued..._


	5. IVY CLUB  (2013 - March)

**IVY CLUB**

(2013 - March)

“There’s IV CLUB filming and photo shooting today.”

“Just this one?”

Luhan asked manager hyung with hopeful expression.

“Just this one but this is gonna take the whole day. We will go in 30 minutes. You guys don’t have to take anything, just personal stuffs you wanna bring. Filming crew have everything related to filming. Suho? Come with me. Kris, please gather everyone and get ready in 30 minutes.”

“Yes.” Joonmyun follows the Manager Hyung.

When there’s only two of them, he speaks.

“Did Sehun and you go to some club without me knowing?”

“What? No.” Joonmyun shook his head.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Hyung. I am not lying. Sehunnie is never been to a club.”

Manager Hyung sighed.

“I trust you, Joonmyun. You’re the leader so if anything, any rumors arise, it is your sole responsibility, do you understand?”

“Yes, Hyung, I understand.”

“Ok, then, this must be just some crazy fan talking. Go and prepare for the shooting, work hard.”

Joonmyun frowned in confusion. He opened internet while stylish is doing his makeup and hair. The first picture he saw relating to Sehun is HUNHAN. His frown deeper.

They were hugging. They were smiling. He glance at Sehun who is talking with Luhan. Luhan leaned closer, whispering something seemed like a joke to Sehun. Sehun laughs. Joonmyun closed the internet.

“Are you aware of the news of HUNHAN on the internet?” The stylish asked.

“You knew?”

“Oh, everyone knew. HUNHAN is really popular. They’re debating if both Luhan and Sehun are gay in real life too. Please don’t tell that to them. I just told you out of concern.”

“I understand. But no, it’s not like this. They are just close.”

_Joonmyun said in denial but, is it? Are they…?_

 

During shooting, Joonmyun couldn’t take his eyes off from Sehun. But occasionally he had to stare into the camera.

Then, there was Sehun next to him.

Sehun looked into his eyes and he stared back.

He didn’t know what he felt but his heart beats a little faster than normal. Sehun didn’t blink. Joonmyun also forgot to.

“OK!”

With a shout from director, Joonmyun get his sense back and stood up abruptly. He didn’t know how long he is holding his breath. He has to leave this space.  _This space that Sehun in it._

 

He was looking over how the pictures came out. There’s also Kris and Jongin with him. Then, the picture of him and Sehun looking into each other eyes came up.

“Wow, are you guys dating or something?” Kris commented.

“Hyung, don’t be weird.” Jongin said in annoyance. Suho just laughed.

 

“Myun, I have something I wanted to tell you.”

Suho looked up Kris. Then he noticed they are too close, their faces are just several inches away and he could smell Kris perfume.

“What is it?”

“Could we go to some private place?” Kris eyed the staffs and some members. I frowned.  _What is it that he wanted to discuss so that he needed privacy?_

 

“Aish! Myun, will you wait here for me? Just 5 minute ok? I will be back. I will be quick, I promise.” Kris’s phone is ringing and he looked like it’s really important. So Junmyun nods.

Suho looked for a chair to sit down. There is some shadows behind the thick white curtain. Suho diverted his attention from these two men who seemed to be kissing. It wasn’t his business. He knew better to let his presence known.

Suho sat down to hide.  _Why did I have to hide? I am not even guilty_. But he stayed hidden anyway. He waited for Kris to return.

 

“Ok, so you promised.”

“Araseo yo. I promise.”

Suho frown as the voices are of…  _Sehun and Luhan._

 

“We better get back to the shooting.” Sehun said and left the place without knowing there’s Suho behind the curtain.

Junmyun is no long hiding. _He has to see, he has to, with his own eyes._  There he is. Sehun, blonde and looking so gorgeous with a high school uniform. And Luhan, who never took his eyes off from this gorgeous maknae.

_So, it is true. They were dating._

 

Junmyun close his eyes.  _He never really thought…_  When he kissed Sehun in the dark alley, he knew he felt the arousal. He didn’t let the Maknae know of course. Maknae is still too young. And he thought Sehunnie, his maknae Sehunnie is too innocent to know any of this… But to think, Luhan claimed what belonged to him,  _no, it’s not right. Sehun is not his._  But he ought to. He wanted Sehun to be his.  _Only his._

 

“Hey. Hey, Myun. Hey.” Kris touched Junmyun shoulders to get his attention.

“Huh?”

“Why are you in such deep thoughts? Want to share?”

“NO. It’s nothing. What is it?” Junmyun did his best to hide the frustration in his chest.

“Ah… you mean why I took you here…”

“Yeah.”

“That’s because… because I want to ask you something.”

“Sure. Ask me. What is it?”

“The thing is…”

Junmyun frowned. He looked at the Chinese-Canadian giant who now looked extremely nervous. Junmyun wanted to help him calm down. Junmyun took Kris’s biceps in his hands, keeping the eye-contact.

“It’s ok. Just tell me.”

“Will you go out with me?”

 

Junmyun blinked.

_What?_

The hands on Kris’s arms loosened. Junmyun took a step back and tripped. If it’s not for Kris, back of Junmyun head will probably kissing the hard floor right now. Instead, it was Kris’s face that is….  _About to kiss him._

 

“I always felt this intense feeling whenever you’re around. I… Junmyun please look at me.”

_It was a bad decision to look into Kris eyes._

“I had to figure myself out. Please cooperate with me. Will you go out with me?”

Suho can’t think.  _How am I supposed to think when his lips are mere inches away from my own and when I am in his arms? His both hands are on my waist._

 

“I…”

Kris lips came down.  _Soft._

Almost instantly, Kris pulled back.

“Omg. I am so sorry. Junmyun please don’t hate me. I didn’t think. It’s hard to think when you are in… when your lips are… so…. I am sorry. I…”

Junmyun was shocked. It wasn’t that bad to kiss Kris. And he felt bad for the giant that is apologizing him as if his life depends on it.

“Kris. It’s ok.”

_I needed to know._

“You said you wanna figure this out.”

_Kris or Sehun. I had to know._

Junmyun doesn’t know what has gotten to him. He put his hand on the nape and pulled Kris down.

“Let’s figure this out.”

They kissed. Kris sucked in harsh breath, parting his lips. Junmyun do the same and taste him. Junmyun eyes closed down. For only a moment, Kris was stiff. Then, he began eagerly kissing Junmyun’s lips.  _Hot._

Before things get out of control, Junmyun pulled back. Now, they are both panting and he felt the heat in his cheeks.

“The date?” Kris asked between the panting.

 

“Director is searching for you two.”

Kris turned around in shock. Junmyun eyes also widen. It was Sehun standing there. Sehun didn’t meet Suho eyes as he deliver the news and left.

 

“Shit.” Junmyun cursed.

“Did you think Sehun saw us?” Suho didn’t answer. He knew Maknae saw them.  _He just knew._

“I will talk to him, don’t worry.” Kris put his hands on Junmyun’s back to soothe the stress away.

“Let’s go back.” Junmyun step out of Kris’s touch and walked away.

 

_The rest of the shooting and the day, Sehun neglect anything concerned with the Leader._

* * *

_to be continued..._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter is created solely upon seeing Sehunnie and Junmyunnie staring into each other eyes (one of IVY club official picture)


	6. ASSUMED  (2013 - April)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they ASSUMED and things fall apart.

**ASSUMED**

(2013 - April)

Sehun shirt is drenched in sweats. For new song, they have been practicing real hard. Suho put water bottle down in front of Sehun and sat next to him.

“Here”

Sehun did not even glance at the bottle or at Junmyun.

“Save it for Kris Hyung.”

Sehun stood up and went to talk with Luhan. Junmyun didn’t know why it felt like rejected. He just handed him water. Normally, if he took care of Sehun, that cold negligence is not what he got in return. A sweet ‘gomawo yo, hyung’ is the one he expected. And as a bonus, an eye-smile sweeter than any honey.  _It hurts, somehow._

 

“It’s ok. I already talked with him.” Kris sat down in place of Sehun, took the water bottle.

 _It is bothering._  Suho doesn’t know why he’s pissed at Kris.  _Because he drinks that water?_  So what if he takes that, big deal. But, it bothers Junmyun.

“What did Sehun say?”

Junmyun is curious what Sehun reacted to the news.

“Weird. He just nods. As if he somehow knew even before that.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”  _Before that?_

“I know right. Maybe it’s me. I have been feeling  _that_ way about you for a long time. And that brat Sehun just shrugged. So I asked him about Luhan.”

“What about Luhan?”

“If they were… wait, did you not know about them?”

“About?”

“Please, they are a topic. Inside or outside. And yes, they are dating, like us.”

“Like us, huh?” Junmyun said bitterly. He didn’t like a bit that Sehun is dating. Sehun is still too young. Luhan is… a bit too experienced.

“Whhhattttt? WE ARE DATING.” Kris stated. IN A LOUD VOICE!!!

 

“Shuttt it. Will you?” Suho looked around and he saw Chanyeol is grinning like an idiot alongside with Kyungsoo and Jongdae.

“Omg.” Junmyun looked at Kris with disbelief.

 

“Not me. Probably, Sehun told Luhan and Luhan told Zitao and thus, the rest.”

“Why would Sehun do that?”

“And why would I know what Sehun would do what?” Kris protests.

Junmyun hides his face in his palms. He knew he is about to get teased by that beagle line.

 

“Come on. Don’t be like this.” Kris took both of Junmyun hands and face him.

Kris found him very adorable. Worrying about this and that about them. Kris couldn’t resist the sudden need to crash his lips with the Leader. But he knew if he did this, there is a very good chance that Suho would not talk to him for a week or 3 days at least. So he decides to keep things light. He bent down and give a quick peck on those pretty pink lips.  _Lord knew he wanted to do more than a peck._

 

“Yah! Wu Yifan!”

 _Too cute._  Yifan thought.

“Call my Chinese name again, I am going to lock you in a room and live up to my daydream.”

Suho’s eyes are too wide that they might get out of his sockets.

Kris laughs at adorable leader and gave another peck, this time to his cheek.

“YAHH!”

A protest came from Junmyun but he is also hiding his smile. Kris satisfied. He ruffled Junmyun’s hair before he stood up, giving the Korean Leader his killer smile.  _Oh, how much Kris loved to see Junmyun’s blush._

 

“Guys, please get a room.” Yixing grumpily said.

“And in the middle of practicing.” Luhan joined.

Junmyun’s face is now bright pink and his milky complexion doesn’t help.

 

And at this very moment, someone left the room too silently. Kris can’t help but noticed it was  _Sehun_.

 

## April 12 – Oh Sehun 20th birthday

> At 12:00am sharp
> 
> Most beloved Junmyunnie hyung : Happy Birthday Sehunnie. /heart/

 

Sehunnie almost jumped from bed. He was about to sleep. And across the room, there’s Chanyeol who’s busy composing song. He looked over at the sound of message arrived.

“Who was that?”

“Leader Hyung. Wae? My roommate forgot but not my favorite hyung.”

“Happy Birthday, Sehun.” Chanyeol didn’t argue. He just back to his music. He could be like that sometimes. But Sehun didn’t mind. His night just got perfect. He waited the seconds to pass. He thought about replying immediately but he held himself back.

He waited the torturous 55 seconds and he finally replied.

 

> At 12:01am
> 
> Our Maknae Sehunnie : Gomawo yo, Hyung <3
> 
>  

Junmyun was holding his phone like his heart. Every second that passed is like his life spending away from him. He sat up immediately on the bed. He reads the message for 10 times already. He can’t stop smiling, looking at his phone.

He doesn’t think. He pressed the call bottom.

 

Sehun now pacing in his room. In his hand, his phone is ringing for 5 sec now.

“Sehun. PICK UP or HUNG UP. Choose one.” Chanyeol shouted annoyingly.

“Sorry, Hyung.”

He pressed green.

“Sehunnie?”

“Ne, Hyung.”

“Still awake?”

“Ne, Hyung.”

Sehun try to even his breathing. He didn’t expect Junmyun hyung to call him.

 

“Happy Birthday.”

“Gomawo yo Hyung.” Sehun really didn’t know what the situation is. Junmyun already texted him.

“Sehunnie?”

“Ne?” He doesn’t notice the pause between them is more than 10 seconds.

“I was thinking, about tomorrow.”

 

Sehun felt his chest suddenly heavy. And the promise he made to Luhan Hyung.  _SHIT._

“Do you want to go shopping? I was thinking, this year…”

“Hyung, I already made plans with Luhan Hyung. How about tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow schedule is a bit…”

Junmyun heart sunk. He gripped his phone hard.  _Who were you kidding Kim Junmyun? Of course he made plans with his boyfriend on his birthday. Why would he go out with some friend on his birthday instead of his boyfriend?_

“Oh…”

Sehun felt his throat tightened. That day of shooting IVY club, Luhan gave him early birthday present. It was a necklace. It would be rude if he didn’t return the appreciation, so he asked what Luhan Hyung wants as birthday present. And Luhan asked to spend my birthday with him only. The whole day.

“Goodnight, Sehunnie.”

“Goodnight Hyung.”

_The empty hollowness filled Junmyun._

_The heavy silence filled Sehun._

* * *

 

_to be continued..._


	7. The Rumor  (2016 - September)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previous chapter was of 2013, now back to 2016.

**The Rumor**

(2016 - September)

“Everyone gather please.” Manager Hyung come to the dorm in one of the morning.

All 7 member gathered around. Lay is oversea because of his individual schedule. And Maknae is nowhere to be seen.

“Where is Oh Sehun?”

…

Silence. Usually, Sehun hardly ever goes out. And if he did, he told someone or he went with Junmyun but, now…

“Does anyone know where did Sehun go off to?” Manager Hyung asked again this time a little tensely.

“Leader, come out.”

 _FUCK._  Jongin cursed.  _Why did Suho hyung have to take responsibility again?_ Jongin glared at Manager Hyung who is already scolding the Leader and the Leader bowing down his head, not complaining a bit.

“It was…” Jongin is about to speak up for Suho but then he met with Suho’s sharp eyes, saying  _back off._

Jongin took out his phone and called Sehun but of course, Sehun didn’t pick up. He kept calling but his calls went unanswered.

After giving an earful to Suho, Manager Hyung asked a question that actually got Suho’s attention.

“Is Sehun going out without telling anyone concerned with Luhan in Seoul?”

“What?”

Suho looked up.

“I saw the news this morning. Luhan is in Seoul.”

 

It’s like the world shattered around Junmyun. He couldn’t take in another word from anyone.  _He smiled._

“Sehun is out wanting some air. He is not meeting up with Luhan.”

 _No he doesn’t believe a word he said._ Junmyun plays every scene of Luhan playing around with Sehun in his head.

“I really hope so. If photos came out, there’s nothing company could do to prevent them. You know how fast your fandom is. And countless rumors would appear and it really could damage EXO name. You knew Junmyun. You’re leader. Do your job.”

Manager Hyung left without so much a glance to the rest of members.

 

“Hyung…”  
Suho didn’t know he was on the floor till Kyungsoo also sat next to him, giving a few pats on his back. And the rest of the members gathering around him. He snapped back to reality and looked around himself. He saw Jongin’s red ears due to frustration. He saw Yixing biting his bottom lips, trying to call Sehun and sending a nervous glance to him. He gave them a smile, lying he is fine.

He tried to look as calm and collected as possible when Maknae walked through the front door. Kyungsoo already left due to his filming schedule.

“Hold it in, Jongin.” Jongdae warned the Dancer.

 

Sehun eyed the crowd.

He noticed Suho’s pale complexion first, sitting on the floor a little stiffly. And there’s Jongin, sending him a murderous glare. He ignored Jongin of course. He glanced at Yixing who’s eyeing him, looking a little troubled.  _Something is wrong._

It was Chanyeol that speaks to him.

“Where have you been?”

“I was out.” I am ready to lie on bed, getting away from  _him._

“Where?”

This time it wasn’t Chanyeol. It was Suho. Sehun’s head snapped from the direction of his room to the Leader. His voice is too low. But of course Sehun knew Suho’s voice in any tone.

“Does it matter? I want to rest.”

 _Shitty attitude._ Yes, Sehun is the best at being rebellious when he wants to be.

 

“That jerk!” Jongin is about to get up and went for Sehun but Jongdae is holding him down and also Junmyun’s hands on Jongin’s wrist.

Jongin immediately sat back down.

“Hyung.” Jongin protest weakly. But Junmyun just shook his head,  _saying not now._

 

Sehun hates it.

His lover Hyung touching anyone besides him, Sehun hates it. He clenched his hands into a fist, trying to walk away from this pain, but someone stopped him.

“We are asking you where you have been, Oh Sehun. Fucking behave.”

To Sehun’s surprise it wasn’t Jongin. It was Jongdae, who barely say so much as a bad word let alone a cuss.

“It wasn’t far. I was just… I just want some air.”

“Are you sure you don’t meet up with someone?”

“Who? What are you talking about Jongdae Hyung? Just get to the point so that I could go into my room and rest.”

“LUHAN. He is in Korea. Myun Hyung just got an earful from Manager Hyung because you are not in the dorm. He obviously announced it in group chat. Why did you go out? It’s all on Junmyun Hyung.”

 _Luhan?_ So that’s why they all looked like they are in funeral.  _Junmyun Hyung, you really did not believe me, is that it?_ Sehun thought bitterly.

Jongin is so pissed that he left the living room. If he gets a glimpse or a sound of Sehun’s he would have punched  _that jerk._

Sehun glanced at the Leader who is now staring at the floor.

“I am sorry that I forgot but I’m sorry that he got scolds for not notifying me again this morning. It’s on him.”

 _It was unreasonable._ But Junmyun did not say anything. Because as long as Sehun is not meeting again with Luhan. As long as…

 

“Jongdae, I don’t mind. You all go prepare for the schedule. Don’t bring this up anymore.” Junmyun got up. He wobbled.

Sehun is ready to help him regain his balance and  _he cursed inwardly._ He quickly went into the room and slammed the door shut. Of course Suho didn’t see the reaction of Sehun coming for him but just heard the door slamming shut behind him.

_Now, he hates me._

Junmyun leaned onto Jongdae’s helping hand. 

“Thanks.” Suho whispered but Jongdae just shook his head.

“I don’t want to interfere between you and Maknae but Hyung, you can’t let this go on. I don’t care that you deserve his attitude or not but, Sehun is too disrespectful.”

“I know. I will control him, I promised. I’m sorry to let you down.”

“Stop saying sorry and thanks to me. Hyung, aren’t we friends?”

Junmyun really smiled this time.  _Yes, friend._

“Friend. Yes, we are friends.”

Jongdae also smiled, patted on his back as he returned to his own room.

_Am I even ‘that’ to Sehun? A friend?_

Junmyun let his head down in hopelessness, get under the sheets, ready to welcome the hollow darkness.

* * *

to be continued...


	8. Save me (2016 - September)

**Save me**

**Some Morning in September 2016**

 

Opening his phone, Junmyun is afraid to see the articles by fans. He has been always proud to see Sehun’s popularity with the fans. This time, Sehun is not alone.

Numerous articles proving Sehun and Luhan are couple is flashing on his phone. This couple bracelets. That couple shirts.  _He hates it._

Some says Sehun and Luhan popularity is from their bromance. There are many fans that support HUNHAN with their life, even after Luhan left. He remembered Co-Di noona said.

 

Junmyun stares at the bracelet in his hand that Sehun left on the ground in front of his bedroom door,  _Jongin’s bedroom door._ Jongin picked it up for him. That’s the one that fans says Sehun coupled with Luhan but what they didn’t know is, this bracelet is the one I gave him on his 20th birthday.

Suho looked at the clock,  _it’s almost 8._ He moved and headed to the kitchen.  _He has a diet plan to follow._

He paused at the door at the presence of Sehun.

“It’s not going to be easy, you know right? Luhan Hyung.”

 His heart froze at the mention of the name by Sehun. He acts out of his character. He quickly went to Sehun’s side and snatched the phone, pressing the power bottom. Sehun’s phone is the same as his phone since they bought together.

“What are you doing? Give me my phone back.”

“Why are you talking with Luhan?” Suho’s glare is blazing. His breathing is uneven.

“Whoever I’m talking with, what does it matter to you?”

“It DOES! You’re… You’re…” Suddenly the air left him. His mouth doesn’t work.  _YOU ARE MY LOVE. YOU ARE MINE._ The voice insides shouting like a bomb setting off.

“I’m what? What am I to you?” Sehun snorted. He grabbed his phone back from Junmyun’s hands and left.  _The plan works._ Sehun thought pleasingly. He was talking with no one.  _Why would he have Luhan’s hyung number?_ Sehun cut all the ties with Luhan the day he left.

 

Sehun looked back at his Hyung. He frowned. Junmyun is facing his back so Sehun couldn’t see his face. But Junmyun’s hand is gripping on the edge of table so hard. Junmyun is gasping. Soon, his kneel met the floor.

Sehun is quickly by Junmyun’s side.

“Hyung! Hyung!”

Junmyun couldn’t hear anything. His ears are ringing. By experience, he knew he is having an anxiety attack again. He knew what to do. The doctor instructions, but he doesn’t remember. He gasps for air but nothing came.  _Sehun left him._

 

A soft touch at his lips gave him air again.

HE felt a pair of strong hands on his face.

_The scent, too familiar._

_The taste, his favorite._

 

Junmyun slowly open his eyes. Those hands still on his cheeks. He saw the worry in his lover’s eyes. Junmyun wants to beg for those lips to in contact with his again. But the moment had gone. Those pair of sinful lips left.

“What are you doing?” Junmyun voice came out like a breath.

“Saving you.”

“I don’t think so.”

Sehun is about to leave. His back has already turned. But he came back.

“Does it sicken you that much? Me with Luhan.”

 

Junmyun does not the point in arguing or explaining. He stayed silent.

“You have no words. Right. Don’t talk to me.” Sehun shook his head.  _Disappointment._

This time, Sehun really did leave, his back to him.

 

Sehun slammed his door shut behind him.

“Sehun-ah, what again?” Kyungsoo said in sleepy voice.

Sehun went straight to the bathroom. He shut the door, this time silently.

_He cried._

This is not what he wanted. He didn’t want to hurt his hyung. He just want Junmyun Hyung to admit that he  _loves_  me, that he  _wants_  me and that he  _can’t live without_  me. He hates to see Junmyun hyung hurt like this.  _Like when that motherfxcker Wu Yifan left._

Sehun buried his face in his palms. He try to work on his frustration but it doesn’t get better. His mind kept going back to 3 years ago and he still don’t understand the choices Chinese members made.  _It was hell. Everything about Wu Yifan was hell._

* * *

_to be continued..._


	9. He LEFT  (2014 - May)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to 2014 where millions of heart were broken with multiple articles...

**He LEFT**

(2014 - May)

“Get Out!” I shouted.

It’s like everything is crumbling down.  _Everything I believe in, everything I am proud of, Kris. How could he do this to me?_

The door behind me close. But I felt another presence in the room.

“I am not in the mood, Kyungsoo. Leave me alone.”

“I… I am Sehunnie, Hyung.”

I turned my head to see the frightened maknae.  _I once loved him_. I will always love him somehow, I think. My heart softened. I calmed myself down. Even though I currently in a relationship with Kris, my heart can’t seem to abandon Se Hun.  _Not completely._  Also I am still the leader. I can’t let my members down. I don’t want to let Sehun down.

 

“What’s the matter?” I try to act as calm as I could.  _For Sehunnie._

Sehun seemed relieved at the change of my voice.

  
“Hyung, are you ok?”

“Of course I am. I’m sorry I shouted earlier. Go and be with Luhan. Hyung is fine.”

Se Hun frowned. He sit on the empty bed which was once Kris’s.

“Manager Hyung couldn’t contact Kris. He turned off his phone.”

 

_I know, I called him like thousand times and got ignored. It was 5 days before my birthday. Kris promised that…_

I nodded.

“I’m sorry, Hyung. Manager Hyung wants me to tell you that… the company is suing Kris and will kick him out of EXO.”

“WHAT?”

I immediately stand up and ready to go to the office.  _They can’t do that._

“Hyung, don’t.” Se Hun hold me back.

“They can’t do that, Hun. They can’t just kick Kris out of our team. We are One!”

“Hyung…”

Sehun pulled me into his arms. I am struggling to get out and go to the company. I want to explain. I want to tell them that they mistook Kris. Kris will never do that. He and I are going to do something special, Kris promised something special on Myun’s birthday.  _Yes, that’s how Yifan called me, Myun._

“Why?” I cried in Sehun’s arms. His embrace somehow lessen my pain. I let go of my mask. I don’t want to act calm now. I am not calm. It’s opposite.

“For now, don’t think too much. For now, just rest. Okay? You have me. You will always have me.” Sehun lead me to the bed. We both lie down on my bed.

I did not realize I was gripping Sehun’s shirt till he tried to move to get up. And I don’t want to let go of him. I don’t want to be alone. Sehun’s eyes met mine. He kissed me softly on the temple, the thing he used to do back in trainee days. I closed my eyes, let him hug me. And I fall asleep.

## Tomorrow

Sehun is there when I woke up. As much as I am thankful for Maknae support yesterday, I felt ashamed. I am older. I am an adult. I am the leader.  _I fucking didn’t act like one._

I looked at the phone.  _Still nothing from Kris._

I am too tired to cry and too depressed to go online. Rumors, articles, criticisms and  _lawsuits._ I hate every goddamn thing that is badmouthing Kris, my  _boyfriend._

Instead, he called Yunho, DBSK’s leader.

 

“Junmyun, how are you handling? I saw the news.”

Yunho is the only he could depend on at this moment. He is seeking advice and Yunho can give him. Because the situation right now is not so different from 2009, disbandment of DBSK.

 

“Hyung, do you have time? I want to talk to you.”

“Of course. I will come to SM. SM is safer.”

He is thankful at Yunho’s consideration.

“Thank you, Hyung. I am coming right now.”

“Ok, Junmyun. Don’t think too much. Don’t worry too much. Things will work out just fine.”

He trust Yunho but he didn’t quite trust that things will be fine.  _Right now, things are crashing down around him. Will they be ever fine?_ Suho didn’t know.

 

Sehun sat up on bed as soon as Junmyun left for Yunho. He heard everything. He understands why Junmyun wants to seek out for Yunho. Yunho also faced the same thing. Sehun really hopes Yunho could help his Hyung, even in the slightest.

He looked around the room that Kris and his Hyung shared.

The first thing he noticed is the photo on the nightstand. It’s of 12 people.  _As expected of EXO’s Leader._ The group photo they took when they won first award _during Wolf_ at music show.

 

A knock came on the door.

“Come in.” Sehun turn around to see who and he saw Luhan.

“You didn’t sleep in your room last night. You didn’t reply my texts too. Why are you here?” Luhan asked with a frown. Sehun didn’t feel like he should explain all these questions to Luhan.  _They are nothing actually._

“I sleep with Junmyun last night.” Sehun said in a way that Luhan frowned deeper.

“You did, WHAT?”

Sehun rolled his eyes.  _He knew Luhan likes him but he just like to flirt with Luhan and that’s it._

“I slept next to Junmyun Hyung with clothes on. He was crying.” Sehun sat on the edge of the bed. He did not want to deal with Luhan right now.

 

“Sehun, what are we?” Luhan sat next to Sehun, trying to hold Sehun’s hand but Sehun get away from Luhan’s hold.

“Us? What do you mean what? We are friends, brothers.” Sehun stood up. Not wanting to touch Luhan in a way he didn’t mean.  _Not anymore._

“That’s it?”

“I already told you. We will act like couple only in front of Junmyun Hyung. I like you, Luhan Hyung. I do. But not like a boyfriend. Not like you do.”

Luhan looked at Sehun in awe. His eyes looked pained for a second but he smiled. Luhan nodded.

“Of course.”

Luhan laughs.  _No humor in it, Sehun is sure._

“Of course.”

“Luhan Hyung, I am sorry but that was the deal. We went on dates like you want me to. We acted like a couple in front of Junmyun like I want you to. That was the deal. Remember?”

Luhan looked hurt.  _But Sehun can’t help._

“Ok. Can I end this deal now?”

“If you want to…”

“Then let’s end this. And go out with me for real. Be my boyfriend, Sehun.”

“Hyung… don’t make me a bad person. You know how I feel.” Sehun turn his back to Luhan. He is ready to get away from this disaster.

 

Luhan roughly rub his face clean of tears. He is losing Kris. He is now losing Sehun.  _Life couldn’t get better._

“I understand.”  _What else could he say? Nothing, to get his baby back._

Luhan knows that he is no longer welcomed in the room.

He left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will left things unexplained about why Kris left. 
> 
> Because there is no way to know the REAL reason behind all the broken promises. 
> 
> We can second guess. We can assumed. We can blamed someone.
> 
> We can call him liar, betrayer, or just a man who followed his dream.
> 
> I am just tired of asking for answers which I will never find (why he left)
> 
> I just have to accept. He left. They left.
> 
> But there's one thing I know. Yixing stayed. The rest of 9 EXO members stayed.
> 
> This means something, right?


	10. Anything would be Great  (2014 - June)

“Hey, Joonmyun.” Luhan come sit next to me. Suho has been telling everyone that he is fine but obviously everyone knows he’s lying.

“I have something to tell you.”

Suho’s hopes got up.

“Did you get a call from Fan Fan?” Suho’s hopeful eyes met Luhan’s sad ones.

“Oh, you wanted to tell me something. What is it?” Suho understands. Luhan is just like everyone. They wants to check on him but they can’t make him feel better.

“Kris loves you.”

Suho laughs.

 

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes, I do. Everyone in EXO does.”

“NO. STOP. He should be calling me. No, he should have told me beforehand. He should have discussed this with me. I could have stopped him.”

“I think that’s why he didn’t tell you. He knew you would have stopped him.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. The last time I talked with Kris was last year, Growl era. He and I were talking and we had too much drinks that night and…”

 

 _Luhan knew. Kris told Luhan. Kris did not tell him but he told Luhan._  Suho did not speak those thoughts out loud.

“Around October?” Suho remembers something. Something that might be….

“Yeah I think so, I don’t quite remember. He said that…”  _A lie._

“I remember. You guys were oversea. Were you guys staying in the same hotel?”

“Umm… yeah, I think so. Anyway, don’t be sad and do not overthink. Kris loves you. He will contact you anytime soon. I’m sure.”

“Around October, last year, from what I remembered, Kris is alone at the hotel. He got filming till 1 am and after filming he was too tired to do anything so he slept. That’s how he excused himself from not returning my calls.”

“Really? I think I remember wrong.”

“No. I don’t think you remember wrong. I think Kris lied. You guys slept together right?” It was an instinct. But Luhan’s change in expression tells Suho everything he needed to know. They had an affair. Suho bites out a laugh. It sounded so sad and bitter but it didn’t even match up the feelings Suho felt.

Suho walked away.

“Fuck, no, Joonmyun, wait.”

Luhan followed furious Suho whose noses are red and eyes stings with tears.

“Yes, we had an affair. ONCE. It was nothing.”

“Was it? You slept together. How was it nothing?”

Suho shook his head. He tried to move away from Luhan’s hold.

“I’m sorry I slept with him but it’s only one time thing. We have no feelings for each other. You know I have feelings for Sehun back then. And Kris… he loves you. He regretted in the morning. Please believe me.”

“It’s not the matter of having feelings or not. It doesn’t even matter. He left in the end. He always left.”

Tears flow from Suho’s eyes. He violently rub it with his hands but the tears won’t stop coming out. Other members keep reminding him how Kris loves him, care about him  _but why? Why didn’t’ he say something?_  Anything would be great.

 

“No, Joonmyun, please listen to me.”

Luhan stopped the crying Suho.

“I don’t want to listen anymore. Wasn’t it enough? Wasn’t my heart getting torn in half enough? Do you want it to break into pieces?”

“I’m sorry, Joonmyun. I really am. But you have to believe me that it was the alcohol. We are just drunk. It doesn’t mean anything, I promise.”

Suho cried silently. He bites his lower lips hard to stop making a sound. It looked so pitiful and heart-breaking that Luhan pulled him into a hug.

“But you didn’t do anything to stop from happening either.” Suho said finally.

“I’m so sorry. I know saying sorry doesn’t make it better. But, I really am sorry. It’s pointless saying who started this. You’re right. I could have walked away but, in China, we both are so lonely. I am not saying this for you to forgive me. What we had done, is inexcusable. I just wanted to say that Kris loves you dearly. But lately…”

Luhan stopped speaking, considering whether to bring this up or not.

“Lately what?” Suho finally got a hold on himself. He knows something is not right. Kris has no reason to go behind his back. Right, he’s usually the one to share things with Kris. He let himself out of Luhan’s embrace. He looked at Luhan. Luhan, again, avoiding the eye contacts.

“It could be me that got things wrong. Kris say something about you and Sehun being too closed.”

“What?”

Kris once mention it to him. Suho remembers. When Suho said he sometimes get jealous how Yixing and Kris would work on music all night long, Kris says that he felt the same about Sehun.

“There’s nothing between you and Sehun right?”

“Did you think the same?” Suho felt ridiculous. Sehun is too pure to be misunderstood like this.

“I… What I think is not important. It is how Kris felt. Did he mention about that to you?”

“Once. I don’t even think he was serious. Sehun and I are just close brothers. There’s nothing more between us. Is that why you guys fought last week? Because of me? Luhan, listen, Sehun is just like little brother to me. We are just close.”

“What are you talking about? We fought last week because… it doesn’t matter. Anyway, I don’t even have a right to misunderstand. We are not a couple.”

“Wait. What? Sehun and you…?”

“Yeah… in trainee days, I am definitely interested in Sehun. I thought he felt the same. There were exchanged flirtations no doubt. But our relationship is very friend-alike.”

“But why are you two kissing after filming Miracle in December?”

“You saw huh?”

Luhan smiled. It is surprisingly sad.

“I loved Sehun. You won’t know I got rejected. I kissed him. He was shocked that I have such feelings for him. And after that, he made it clear he has no interest in me that way. So, that’s it.”

No. No. No.

“Then what about during Wolf era?”

“What about it?”

“You guys weren’t dating?”

“No. I told you we flirted back and forth. There’s nothing more than that.”

_Fuck. I misunderstood._

Suho knew he made a mistake. Back then, he likes Sehun. Maybe even love. But he never got a chance to test that feeling. He got involved with Kris.

“Are you ok?” Luhan asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I… I gotta go.”

_I need to be alone. I need to think._

 

“Joonmyun?” I turned around. Meeting Luhan’s eyes filled with devastation and guilt, I almost forgive him on spot.

Luhan closed his eyes. He opened them again to meet with mine. The hints of tears are still there, but other feelings, he managed to hide away.

“I’m sorry.”

I stared at him, searching for real meaning behind those words. Because those three words doesn’t seem simple. Luhan just smile and walked away.

I was left,  _again._

* * *

 

_to be continued..._

 


	11. Guilt  (2013 - October)

## Guilt

## (2013 October)

 

“Hey.”

“Hey. It’s really late.” Joonmyun felt warm that Yifan calls him this late. He was about to sleep till Yifan calls.

“I miss you.”

“Me too.”

Joonmyun said with guilt. He missed the Chinese man of course. They are couples. But he went out with Sehun today and he didn’t check his phone for Yifan, not even once when he was with Maknae.

“Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“I was waiting for your call. I don’t want to bother you, how’s everything? Did today went well?” Joonmyun asked with concern as usual.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call you sooner.” Yifan sounds sad.

“No. It’s ok. You gotta be very busy.” Joonmyun said.

“It was fine. The shooting finished around 5. I was at the hotel.”

“Around 5?” Joonmyun frowned. If he finished so early, why didn’t he text me or call me?

“Yeah, and then, I went out with staffs. I just came back.”

No, something sounds wrong. It’s past 1am. He couldn’t be with the staffs. But Joonmyun didn’t press the matter. He didn’t want to think his lover was cheating on him.

“I am sleepy, Yifan. You should sleep also.”

“Right… you should rest.” Yifan didn’t want to let Joonmyun go. But since he’s also at fault. He shouldn’t have done this.

Joonmyun ends the call.  _Yes, it is not right._  Yifan always want to talk with him till morning. Yifan never let Joonmyun ends the call if he’s oversea.  _Why is that?_

 

_Knock.knock._

“Hyung, are you asleep?”

Junmyun was cut from his thoughts. He quickly put on his pajama pants but no time for a shirt.

“No… not yet.”

Sehun came in right after he knocked. If this is other people, he would have say a thing or two about waiting for a reply before coming in but… it’s Sehunnie. There’s no such line between Sehun and him.

 

“I can’t sleep. So…” Sehun paused when he saw the naked upper body of Junmyun.  _Beautiful._ Regretfully, Suho put on the shirt right after he stepped into his room.

“Right. Luhan also is in China right?”

Sehun didn’t say anything instead, he took out bottles of soju he hid under his oversized hoodie.

“Where did you get this?”

“I am no longer a kid, Hyung.” Sehun winked and set down two plastic soju cup.

Junmyun snickers. He also sat down in front of Sehun on the floor.

 

“Have you seen the article today?”

“What article?” Junmyun asked while filled the cup. It seemed like Sehun wanted to talk.  _Something serious which he does not know._

“Fans are saying things like Leader/Maknae looked good together. SeHo couple and stuff.”

Sehun laughs without so much humor in his laugh. Suho noticed. Suho always notices about Maknae.

“It’s funny, right?”

Sehun continues when he got nothing from Junmyun.

“Does it bother you? That fans are starting to ship us instead of HunHan?”

“How about Hyung? Doesn’t it?”

Junmyun didn’t know what to say.  _Does it bother him? NO. Of course not. But if I say no, what of Yifan? Does it sound like I am cheating on Yifan with Sehun?_

 

After a pause, Junmyun answers. Sehun was holding his breath. He didn’t know he was till Junmyun said,

“No. Of course not. You’re my Maknae. We are a pair, right?” Junmyun said lightly, holding out the cup to cheer with Sehun. Sehun hesitate for a moment. But he smiled and cheer with his Hyung.

“A pair. Not bad.”

Junmyun noticed the air is not as light as he pretends to. So he poured for himself more. He has very low tolerance for alcohol. And Sehun only drank 3 cups while he finished the bottle himself.

He is drunk.

 

“Hun-ah, don’t you have more? This bottle is empty.”

“No more, Hyung. I think you’re drunk.”

“Whoooo is druuuunk? You? Not me.” Suho reached for another bottle that is sealed.

 

“I sooooooo love Soju.”

Junmyun hold onto the bottle like it’s his favorite pet. That makes Sehun laughs and shook his head.

“I will take you to bed.”

“Are you gonna sleep with me?”

Sehun swallow his own saliva and control his breathing.  _It has no meaning. He’s drunk._

“No, I am gonna return to my room.”

Sehun pull a blanket over the Leader as he attempted to take off his shirt.

“Sleep with me.”

 

Junmyun pulled Sehun on the bed. Sehun didn’t know what happen. He is in the same bed as Suho.  _Shirtless Suho._

They are not touching as Suho is under the blanket and Sehun is on the blanket. But it’s for a while only. Suho removed the blanket and also his pants.

“It’s hot. Too hot.”

Sehun knows Suho is not in his right mind.  _This is alcohol speaking. Oh Sehun, return to your room. Don’t look over and sit up._ No matter how hard he told himself in his mind, his eyes betrayed.

Sehun eyes rest on hard chest of Junmyun. His eyes travel  _south._

_OH. MY. JESUS._

 

“Hun-ah?”

“Ne?!”

Sehun quickly looked upward. Then to Suho. Suho’s eyes are closing.  _Thank God. HE didn’t see me checking him out._

“What are you doing not sleeping? Come.”

“I am going…”

He was cut off by Junmyun hands on his chest, pulling him next to him. Junmyun hands didn’t remove.  _It stays._ It’s called  _hugging, right?_

Sehun lied there like an ice cube in freezing point. He wants to remove his hoodie because it’s too hot in the room. He wants to turn on the air-con but Suho is practically naked next to him.  _NAKED. NEXT TO ME._

 

Sehun blamed the alcohol.

Sehun blamed the room temperature.

Sehun blamed himself.

 

_Please, heart, listen to me, be good and be normal._

Normal is far from what his heart is happening. It’s  _wild._ It’s  _uncontrollable._

He thought this night is gonna be sleepless night but he was wrong. Sehun didn’t know when but he doze off. But the morning… it was  _the best morning ever. He will never forgot the moment, even though that moment last only for a while, he felt as soon as his eyes opened and his senses waking up._ Their legs tangling, his head in Junmyun’s chest, both of Junmyun’s hands holding him.  _Sehun will never forget. EVER._

He woke up before Junmyun. To save both of them from embarrassment, Sehun sneaked out of bed.


	12. Spin. Spin. Stop.  (2016 - October)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 12 is 3 years later of Previous chapter.

**Spin. Spin. Stop.**

(2016 - October)

He is my ruination.  _Oh so-fucking-perfect_ Sehun. He is in this rain. Not real rain, it was performance.  _Damn me. Plus, he’s blonde. WHO THE HECK SUGGEST THE IDEA ANYWAY?_

Junmyun is losing his mind now at  _One and Only_ time.

 _Sehun is always a kid to him._ He said that once in broadcasting. But it’s a lie. True that Sehun is very childish and clingy when he’s with him. No one can argue is Maknae is smoking hot. Especially right now. Water dripping down on his face, his white shirt, soaking wet. He is literally shirtless. That stupid shirt is not covering anything.

 

Sehun is the only one I could think about at the after-party.

My face is kinda flush, my mind kept going back to 2 years ago when Sehun  _attacked me_ in my own bedroom. It’s when I realized I love this baby Sehun with all my heart.

“Suho-shi, Suho-shi?”

“Suho-shi.”

I finally glanced at the stylist that is calling my name. I was annoyed because she took me away from my moment with my Sehun  _in my mind_ of course.

“Ne?”

“Did you over-do the blusher?” She called to the makeup-artist that fixed me up before. She is ready to scold her to make my cheek looked too pink. The makeup-artist face looked like she’s about to cry. I try to help her out.

“No, it was the heat.”

_Obvious lie._

“Really?”

I touched my own cheek and it was hot.  _Thinking about Oh Sehun makes me like this._

The stylist send the makeup-artist back to her place and she took a step towards me with  _an ice-towel._

“Put this on your face and neck, this would help the heat.”

I am about to take the towel from her but she put the towel herself. She is leaning towards me too little too closed. She is touching my face indirectly but I felt like she cross the line. I don’t want to rude. I am thinking my brains out how to make it polite and make her get away from me.

Her one hand is on the right side of my neck which sends me down the chills. The towel is  _cold._ Her other hand is on the left side of my cheek which makes me looked down to her. She is looking up me like  _I am her whole world._

_God. Please. Someone help me out of this._

“Does it make it better?”

“Wh..what?”

 _Better,_ how?  _It’s the worse!_

“The heat. Is it cooling down?”

“Yeahhh… it is cold.”

_THIS IS SUPER AWKWARD._

 

“Junmyun?”

 _Is she the Flash?_ As soon as Chanyeol make his entrance to us, she moved away from me in a blink.  _WOW._

“Chanyeol, hey!”

I gladly went to Chanyeol.

“Hyung, everyone’s waiting for you. Let’s head out.”

“Yes, let’s go.”

I can’t wait to get the hell out of this place. I took Chanyeol’s hand and walked too fast, almost close to running.

 

“You definitely save me Chanyeol. Thank you. I owe you one!” I said in gratitude as soon as we reached to the van.

“Don’t thank me. Thank Sehun.” Chanyeol laughs and shook his head as he went into the van. Like Chanyeol said, everyone is here in the van.

I sat in the van, took the only seat left, which is next to Sehun.

Earlier, Chanyeol words make me think  _should I or should I not talk to Sehun what it was about?_

Sehun is closing his eyes, resting his head on window so, I can clearly see his face. The dark circles. The moles. The perfect and sexy moles on his milky white complexion.

 

“Chan Yeol said…”

I attempt to talk to Sehun which  _doesn’t end up well._

“DON’T. Talk to me.” Sehun opened his eyes which are filled with rage and  _murderous._

I was dumbfounded.  _What did I do wrong?_ But I kept my mouth shut.

 

“Where are we heading, Hyung?” Baekhyun asked with a loud voice from the back.

“Restaurant.” Manager Hyung answered boringly.

“IT means spending money without opening our pockets right?” He gained numerous laughs from everyone in the van. Even maknae gave in and smile a little, without opening his eyes.

“Are you hungry?”

I asked Sehun, remembering his habit of not eating much in the day but always hungry at night. I was ignored of course. I don’t want Sehun not to have fun just because I am around. Because lately, whenever I’m around, he shut his mouth tightly not uttering a word to anyone who is talking with me. He stayed in  _our_ room, most of the time.

 

When the van stopped, I stepped out first to give Sehun space he wants. It  _breaks_ my heart. But what can I do? That’s on me. I am the one to blame.

I didn’t realize the staffs are also joining the dinner. I spotted the  _Stylist_ from earlier, making her way  _TO ME._

_Damn it._

 

At that moment, Sehun stood next to me. This is when I noticed his height.  _Our maknae Sehun has got really tall._

“Hyung, what are you doing? Let’s go in.” Jongin put his hand on my shoulder. I was still admiring Sehun from the side.

Sehun glared at Jongin’s hand on Junmyun’s shoulder. Junmyun’s eyes met with Sehun for a brief second but Sehun went inside without another word.

“Nothing, yeah, let’s go in.” Junmyun turned to Jongin, smiling at the Dancer. They made their way in and he thank god that EXO members got the separate room from the staffs.

IT was Japanese restaurant so there were no chair in our room, instead there are plushies. Sehun got his seat at the very corner against the wall. I sat directly opposite to him and Jongin next to me.

The food is good. The conversation flows real smooth between us. It’s kinda noisy because of Beagle line (Jongdae, Baekhyun and Chanyeol). Jongin is quiet. I asked him about his leg. He said they are fine. I doubt even if they’re not, Jongin would say otherwise just not to make me worried.

 

Food is almost gone. Junmhyun noticed Sehun stopped eating a while ago. His eyes are dull with full of stomach.

“Let’s play a game.”

“BRING IT, Byun!” Chanyeol would sometimes called Baekhyun by his surname. Junmyun doesn’t know why but it’s funny.

“ONE-SHOT with truth or dare.” Baekhyun challenged.

They got rid of the tables. Since Sehun and Junmyun are against the wall, when they sit in a circle, they are next to each other.

“Soju bottle in the middle. Who wants to spin first?” Jongdae expectantly looks at everyone.

“ME.” Minseok who is sitting next to Jongin took from Jongdae. No one argues.

It spins.

Dangerously stopped between Kyungsoo and Baekhyun.

“So who?” Kyungsoo asked Baekhyun.

“It’s not me.” Baekhyun tried to gets out of it.

“Let Minseok Hyung decide.” Jongdae said fairly.

 

“Ok… So, Baekhyun.”

“WHY?!” Baekhyun cried out. Kyungsoo clapped his hands and laughs at Baekhyun.

“Hit Kyungsoo or drink.”

“HYUNG!!!!” Both Kyungsoo and Baekhyun complained. Kyungsoo complained since he’s the target and Baekhyun complained because Minseok asked for impossible. He definitely dare not hitting Kyungsoo on purpose.

“Give me a shot.” Baekhyun said confidently since his tolerance is quite high.

The bottle in the middle is spinning again.

This time it was… Junmyun.

“Wooooo!!!”

“Leader Hyung”

“Quiet down everyone.” Baekhyun calm down the cheers.

“Ok, what?” Junmyun said playfully.

 

“Hold Sehunnie’s hand for the rest of the night or drink.” Junmyun eyes instantly found Sehun who is now glaring at Baekhyun.

Sehun, without a word, take a shot. Junmyun hand was going for Sehun and froze in the mid-air for a second. Junmyun took his hand back as Sehun took a shot.

“Ok, new rule, if you’re going to drink for the sake of another, you have to take two shots.” Jongdae said and Baekhyun high-five him. Everyone laughs to lighten the mood.

Junmyun also laughs nervously and glanced at Sehun who is now on 2nd shot.

 

“Ok, I will spin.”

The game went on.

There was a question for Jongin ‘when was the last time he sees Soojung alone in the room’ and Jongin blushed quiet red. He didn’t answer and drink, which makes everyone laughs even harder.

Kyungsoo also did silly things like kissing Chanyeol in the torso. I was surprised why Kyungsoo chose ‘dare’ when he could avoid with alcohol. Then, I saw the fire in Chanyeol’s eyes and I wasn’t so surprised.

IT was fun and relaxing till Sehun spins the bottle and it points to me.

No one says a thing.

I kept looking at the head of bottle like it is the most interesting in the world. I was waiting for Sehun to speak. He sure took his time.

 

“If Kris come back to you, will you take him back?”

The silence is harsh.

Junmyun eyes and Sehun’s eyes met. Sehun is desperately searching something in Junmyun’s eyes.  _Sehun needs to know. Sehun have to know._  That is the question he found himself always fighting off since 2014. He was hiding away from the reality. When Kris left, Junmyun broke down like…. Sehun didn’t want to think back. He just  _wants_  to be sure.

He just  _needs_  to be sure of this.  _That Junmyun Hyung won’t take Kris back even if Kris begged on his knees._

 

Junmyun is sure. He remembers his feelings back then, back in 2014. When Kris asked him out, he promised only due to his curiosity. He was lost in Kris’s care and handsomeness at some point but at the start, he  _wanted_  Sehun. And now that Kris left, all he see is the Maknae that is staring at him with the vulnerability.

“Never.”

Sehun was both shocked and satisfied and joyful at the certainty of Junmyun’s voice. Before he can stopped himself, he found himself blushing and half smiling.

“Just make up already you two.” Chanyeol said with annoyed expression on his face.

“Yes, we are the ones suffering.” Jongdae agreed.

“Kiss!” Kyungsoo is the one that started chanting.

“Kiss!” Baekhyun and Chanyeol follows.

 

Junmyun stopped thinking and leaned over to give Maknae a kiss on his cheek. Junmyun was watching Sehun intently. Sehun didn’t give much response but Junmyun knew it’s only  _a fake mask._

Junmyun just knew.

The redden cheek of Sehun. The movement of Sehun’s Adam apple. Sehun didn’t say anything or didn’t even look at  _anyone’s._ He stared at the ground.  _Maknae is shy. Overly shy._

Sehun abruptly stood from his seat.

“Excuse me.” Sehun mutters. He left the room with a loud thud of the doors.

 

“What are you doing?” Jongin asked Junmyun with a frown.

“I am… eating?”

Junmyun didn’t know what had he done but Minseok clearly didn’t approve of his action.

“Reminds me of this moment when I took Junmyun’s side again.”

“Absolutely.” Jongdae agrees with Minseok.

 

“What are you doing NOT FOLLOWING SEHUN?” Jongin repeats his question.

“Huh?”

“Go!” Jongin urged Junmyun which got Junmyun on his feet.

 

Junmyun saw Sehun’s back first when he entered the restroom for  _men._ When he found Sehun’s perfectly flushed face in the mirror, Sehun is already looking at his own.

A flare happens.

Each step he took is filled with desire for the Maknae.

When Sehun turned around to face the Leader, Junmyun’s hands are already in Sehun’s hair and his lips taking the Younger’s. Sehun’s hands immediately on Junmyun’s waist.  _They were made for each other._ There was no doubt about that.

By a flip, it was no longer Sehun who is against the counter of hand-wash. It is the smaller Leader who’s on the counter while Maknae fit himself between Junmyun’s thighs.

 

“Hun-ah.” Junmyun breath tingles.

“Stop.”

Sehun didn’t want to stop. He wants to disobey. So he disobey.

Sehun kissed Junmyun again. He is  _dying_  to.

 

Once again, Sehun’s lips are on Junmyun’s. Complaints, moans and all other things from Junmyun’s got swallowed by the Maknae.

“W…we should get back.”

 _It is too painful._ Seeing Junmyun, holding Junmyun in his arms and not knowing if he’s  _His._ Sehun searched in Junmyun’s eyes for answer. He didn’t see one. But he saw the same desire he felt for his Hyung in Junmyun’s eyes.

“When we get back to dorm, don’t go sleep in Jongin’s room anymore.”

Sehun departs himself from the Smaller-man. He’s at the door of restroom when he whispered but loud enough for the Leader to  _arouse._

“Tonight. Ours.”

* * *

 

_to be continued..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys can imagine the rest. /shy/


	13. The Talk  (2016 - October) Present

## Present - The Talk

_The warmth._

It’s the first thing Sehun felt when he woke up.

Sehun opens his eyes to find his beloved Leader Hyung angelic sleeping face. The curtains were up ( _they did not even remember to pull them down last night)_ so, the sunlight is softly on the Leader’s face.

 

_For tonight, only for tonight, let’s not talk._

 

Sehun felt a pang in his heart as the rejection of Junmyun from two months ago strike his memory. Sehun closed his eyes again, trying not to think about the  _things_ that make him go crazy with rage, anger and frustration.

Sehun let his mind go off to last night. The pleasure, not the pain.

 

_Their breath mingled._

_Their bodies tingled._

 

The image of Junmyun climaxing under him got him  _hard_ again.

And Junmyun chooses for this moment to wake up.

“Hun?”

“Did I wake you?”

“Not you, the sun.”

Junmyun smiled at him while the rays of sunshine on him makes this morning as the best morning in his life.

 

“I love you.”

Sehun blurted out.

The smile on Junmyun’s face faltered. That’s when Sehun knows he just ruins his best morning ever.

“Hyung…”

“Sehun-ah, Hyung…”

“It’s ok. It’s ok if last night was just sex. But I just want to let you know that it was more than sex to me. I… I just want to let you know that… that I love you, Hyung.”

Junmyun’s heart sunk at the second confession. He helplessly looked down at his hands.

 _Did Sehun believe I make love with him without feelings?_ Junmyun couldn’t find his words.

He still couldn’t believe this perfection of human being is saying that he loves him, me, Kim Junmyun.

 

“You know everyone’s against it. The culture here. The company. Our parents. More importantly, our fans.”

“I saw… there are some… some minority that…”

“IT’s not the point, Sehunnie. IT’s… if you love me, there’s so much you’d lose. There’s nothing good I could bring you. I am just… I am just a dirt on your white shirt. That’s all I will be if I am your lover.”

 

Sehun sunk into deep thoughts. Those words stuck him hard.  _Dirt on my shirt? Nothing good? Is that why he kept going away from me?_

“I don’t need them. Hyung, look at me. Look at me straight!”

Sehun hold Junmyun’s shoulders in his hand. His eyes holding down the Leader’s.

 

“Luhan Hyung. We were not dating back then. I want to make it clear for you. I never liked Luhan Hyung in a way I ever like you. Back then, when I saw Hyung and Kris I wanted to… I wanted to do something. Something bad, something to make you feel like I do. But… the result is not what I wanted or expected. I…”

“Before you birthday…”

Junmyun opened his mouth, gathering his strength.

“IVY club filming, you guys were… I thought… you guys are already something. Everyone’s talking. Everyone’s around me is always talking about HUNHAN. And I… I am jealous. If you meant to make me feel jealous by being with Luhan, than yes, Sehun, you succeeded.”

 

Sehun shook his head. The guilt washed him over.  _He was young and he made mistakes. Many mistakes._

“Do you love me?”

Junmyun couldn’t answer.  _Oh how much he wanted to. Should he? Could he?_ Junmyun wanted to say those words too. Junmyun want to let his lovely Maknae to hear his confession too. It is really unfair that Sehun kept confessing and him not saying a word about his heart.

 

Sehun wanted to make things right again. He will never do such mistakes again. He will tell him everything single thing he felt about Junmyun and he will ask him everything Junmyun felt about him.

“Don’t think about anything else. Anything else comes above you, Hyung. The truth. Tell me the truth. Do. You. Love. Me?”

“YES!”

Junmyun let his voice go. It came out louder than he expected. Actually he was very, very loud.

“Yes, oh god, I love you, so damn much.”

 

 _A fucking storm is going on insides me._ But there’s also relief for being able to said out loud.

Junmyun watched Sehun’s face turning into a grin. He let Sehun brings him into a tight embrace.

“Thank you.”

It makes Junmyun smiles. He is glad he told Sehun. But there’s also fear again.  _He can’t._

“But Sehun,”

“What is it Hyung?”

Junmyun looked up at Sehun who’s now looking down at him. Being away from Sehun’s embrace for mere 10 seconds makes Junmyun hearts clenched in separation.

 

“I…”

Junmyun eyes drop to the ground.

“I…”

Junmyun doesn’t know what to say. He is scared. He is extremely scared. When he thought Sehun is in contact with Luhan, his world crashed down. His heart, his inside felt a pain that is nothing like ever.

“Hyung, don’t scare me. Please say something.”

 

“I love you. But I can’t be with you. I can’t be in a relationship.”

Sehun frowned and smiled again.

“Ah… Of course we will keep it down. Just members and Manager Hyung. Company doesn’t even have to know. We will be extra…”

“NO.”

Junmyun breaks free of Sehun’s hands on his shoulder.

 

Sehun couldn’t understand.  _HE said he loves me._

Junmyun turned his back to Sehun.

Sehun watched Junmyun paced around the room nervously.

“Hyung, what no?”

“I can’t be with anyone. I can’t be in a relationship.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I… I have issues.”

Sehun now walked towards Junmyun. He needs to be centimeters away from his Hyung. Sehun can sense Junmyun is minutes away from having another panic attack.

 

“What issues, Hyung. Please calm down. I am not pushing you, ok?” Sehun stepped in front of Junmyun, holding his hands.

“Are you not leaving me?”

“NO. Why did you ask that? I won’t leave you.”

Sehun’s concern deepened. Junmyun suddenly wrapped his hangs around me in a tight embrace.  _What is happening?_ Sehun didn’t know what Junmyun is going through but he wanted to comfort this small man as much as he could. He hugged Junmyun and his one hand on back of Junmyun’s head.

“It’s ok.”

A sob comes from Junmyun.

“It’s ok. I am here.”

Junmyun kept crying silently, trying to conceal his sobbing.

“I am here.”

 

They both ended up on the bed again with Junmyun crying silently in Sehun’s chest. After a while, Junmyun’s breathing slow down and he was asleep again. Sehun also fall asleep after Junmyun.

But when Sehun woke up again, Junmyun is already gone.

* * *

 

_to be continued..._


	14. I miss You  (Present)

## I miss you (present)

 

3 days passed.

Sehun still couldn’t get a chance to talk with Junmyun. Junmyun is always out. Sehun talked to Jongin again. He asked Jongin if Junmyun came to his room but Jongin said no. He also asked Manager Hyung and he got one answer. Junmyun had other schedule.

Sehun asked all members.

Strangely, no one has seen Junmyun in three days. Junmyun won’t pick up Sehun’s call either. But he sent a text.

> 6:28 am 19 Oct, 2016
> 
> Most beloved Junmyunnie hyung : Sorry I didn’t pick up your call.

 

Sehun woke up around 9. He has to see Junmyun today. After tomorrow, he’s going to be busy with filming his new movie. He has to go to China for a week.

He dialed Junmyun’s number. It went straight to voice mail. Sehun didn’t understand what he had done wrong. Why did Junmyun act that way? Why did he say he can’t be in a relationship?

“Hyung, please call me. Let’s talk. I have so many questions. Please, come back.”

Sehun left a voice mail.

Then, Sehun decided to delete it. He send a new voicemail again.

 

“Hyung, I have to go to China for a week starting from tomorrow. Let’s meet up today. Please, call me back.”

Sehun stared at the contact picture in his phone. Junmyun has his brown hair down his face. He was shirtless. It was taken on his birthday this year. Sehun’s mind drifted to 6 months ago.

To April 2016.

## April, 2016

“Chanyeollie Hyung!!!”

Sehun was running after Chanyeol who is trying to going out with  _Leader_ Hyung.

Chanyeol obviously heard the Maknae but he steal Junmyun Hyung away. But Sehun catches up with them.

 

“Where are you guys going?”

Junmyun looked at Sehun who’s running out of breath. Then looked again at Chanyeol who’s smirking at the Maknae.

“Eat. Drink. With Junmyun Hyung. ALONE.”

Chanyeol emphasize the word ‘alone’ at the end making Sehun frowned deep.

“Why can’t I come along?”

“You?”

Chanyeol makes an expression of thinking hard, his one hand on Junmyun’s shoulder while the other making motion of thinking hard.

“You’re the maknae.” Chanyeol said finally.

“So what? What does it concerned with?”

“It doesn’t concern. And what we are doing also doesn’t concern you, so you can’t come along, right? Myun Hyung?”

 

Junmyun looked like he was helpless. He looked apologetically at Sehun.

“Sehun-ah, let’s go out tomorrow, ok? It’s because I already promised Chanyeol.”

Sehun’s eyes color noticeably dim. He didn’t say anything back to Junmyun and he turned around back to the dorm.

 

Junmyun bites his lips. He wanted to cancel all his secret plans and follow the Maknae.

“Why did you make it sound like he’s butting in something he shouldn’t?” Junmyun scolded Chanyeol who is laughing quiet a lot by himself.

“It’s funny. You two. Why don’t you two just go out?”

“What?”

“Date. Go Out. You two are inseparable already and also roommates.”

Junmyun blushed hard at the Rapper’s comment. He didn’t reply anything in return and Chanyeol didn’t press the matter.

 

“So, why do you need to meet up?” Jongdae asked. Kyungsoo is sitting quietly but also looking at Junmyun in anticipation.

It was a café in SM. Junmyun called them out to discuss something.

“Because I have a favor to ask.”

Chanyeol, Jongdae and Kyungsoo eyes are on Junmyun.

“I might need all of you not to come back dorm on the night of April 11.”

“What?” Jongdae said in disbelief.

“Not coming back?” Kyungsoo asked with wide eyes.

“Where are we supposed to sleep then?” Chanyeol said annoyingly.

 

“Guys. Calm down. I already talked with Manager Hyung. You guys can go back home or took a short vacation or my home.” Junmyun added the last option with a sigh.  _If members wanted to go log at his home, he and his parents will have to have a long conversation._ But it doesn’t matter. He wanted to have Sehun for himself on this birthday.

“What about other members?” Jongdae asked.

“You guys are most likely oppose.” Junmyun said with a sigh. Again. It was tiring to make deals.

“Me?” Kyungsoo pointed at himself with a shock.

“Right. When did Kyungsoo butt in something he shouldn’t?” Chanyeol said with a protest. Junmyun is not interested in arguing with Chanyeol so he just ignored him.

 

“NO. I got another favor to ask Kyungsoo hyung.”

“What is it?”

Junmyun grins.

“Can you teach me how to make steaks?”

 

“Are you proposing to Sehun on that night or something?” Jongdae said with a mischievous grin.

“Are you trying to get into his pants?” Chanyeol added and Junmyun saw Jongdae and Chanyeol looked at each other meaningfully.

“You two are very annoying. GET LOST. Kyungsoo, let’s go to another place.”

Junmyun finally lost it. He grabbed Kyungsoo and just took off.

 

“Kyungsoo, why are you keep laughing at me?”

Junmyun and Kyungsoo finally found a quiet place without any  _distractions._

“It’s nothing. I’d never known you’re interested in cooking.”

“I’m not.” Junmyun nervously bites his lips.  _The only dish he can cook is instant noodle and Kyungsoo knows it too well._

“Just order it. You can’t make it. It’s not some Ramen that you heat it up and eat.”

“Please, just teach me. I will try hard.” Junmyun pleads.  _I wanted to do something for Sehunnie._

“Today is already 9th. It’s the night after tomorrow. How are you going to learn? Don’t try to waste the resources. Just use your card.”

 

Junmyun didn’t like the idea, not a bit. If he wanted to order from restaurant, he’d take Sehun to hotel. He just wanted to make Sehun feels like home. He wanted to take care of Sehun in a way that older brother would, or in a way that a lover would.

Junmyun blushed at his own thoughts.

“If you wanted to make something yourself for Sehun, what about cake?”

“Cake?”

Junmyun’s eyes brightened at the idea.  _Why didn’t he think of that?_

“RIGHT!!! Thank you so much Kyungsoo. You saved me.”

 

Junmyun ran back to the dorm. He called Manager Hyung so that he could take baking class as soon as possible. AND he made it. On the day of April 11th, the cake is in the freezer. Wine, already bought. Two portions of steak, already ordered.

EXO members are in the practice room, already done with practice so they’re preparing to leave. One by one with perfect excuse, left.

The only ones left were Sehun and Junmyun.

“They didn’t even say a word.” Sehun said with a pout.

“They said goodbye.” Junmyun said, pretending to be oblivious to what Sehun is talking about.

 

Sehun glared at his leader hyung and said nothing. He quickly changed into new pair of comfortable clothes and he noticed he and Junmyun looked like a couple. He’s wearing long black sweatpants with a white T shirt. Junmyun is in black short pants with a white shirt. Their caps almost looked the same.

Sehun took off his cap and put into his bag. He took out mask instead. He can’t believe his Leader Hyung and the rest of members forgot about his birthday.

It has been four years since EXO debut. He would have understood if other members forgot due to their busy schedules but not his Junmyunnie Hyung. They have been together for almost 8 years and he never once forgot his birthday in the past 8 years no matter how busy he had been.

 

Sehun stepped in their dorm. He said anything to Junmyun as he took off his shoes and head straight to their shared room.

Junmyun was extremely glad that Sehun won’t confront him about members’ suspicious manners and his. He quickly set the table and wished Maknae won’t come out of the room before he could do everything.

To Junmyun’s luck, Sehun stayed in the room. He opened the music loud. Sehun couldn’t sleep and he is sad. He is mad. He felt pathetic. If he said something about how he felt, older members would just teased him about how he’s childish. He is not childish. He just wanted to…  _Sehun doesn’t know anymore._ He put the blanket over his head and try to sleep.

 

The door clicked open.

“Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday my dearest Hunnie. Happy Birthday to you.”

Sehun didn’t remove the blanket to see who is singing. Sehun did not need to. He had memorized the voice by his heart. He didn’t dare open his eyes either. He bites down his bottom lips not to let out the sobbing sound.

His emotions got him. He felt this tightness in his chest and neck. His whole body is tensed when Junmyun gently took the blanket away from him, showing his vulnerabilities.

“Hun-ah, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you sad. I just…”

Junmyun stopped speaking when Sehun opened his beautiful eyes to look at him. They were wet with tears. Sehun let out a sob, releasing the redden bottom lip. Sehun quickly wrapped his hands around Junmyun’s neck.

“Thank you, Hyung.”

Sehun didn’t need to see the clock to know it is 12 sharp.  _How could he doubt his most beloved Hyung? How could he doubt that Junmyun would forget his birthday?_

“Hunnie.”

Junmyun also felt his cheek wet with his own tears. Seeing Sehun happy and touched by his actions also made him the happiest person in this planet right now.

 

“Come on, blow the candles. Make a wish.”

Sehun released Junmyun and wiped his tears with his hand. Junmyun ruffle his hair as he laughed. Sehun gave his Hyung the brightest smile that come out naturally whenever he see his Hyung happy. He could see Junmyun is very happy right now because he is laughing with all his teeth showing and his eyes closing. Sehun blows the candles. He made a wish.

That night Junmyun didn’t tell him that he made the cake himself.

But Sehun didn’t need to. He never saw the box and packaging. He saw the cute imperfection only his Hyung would make on the cake. He didn’t ask either. But later, Kyungsoo asked if he enjoyed the cake and told him everything. Sehun couldn’t explain the lightness in his head when he imagine what Junmyun went through to celebrate the night with him.

_Sehun is sure he made the right wish that night. And he hoped that god would hear his wish and grant him his wish. Oh how much Sehun wish._

## Present

> 5:53 am 20 Oct, 2016
> 
> Most beloved Junmyunnie hyung : I am sorry. Take care of your health in China. Bring a lot of masks, just to be sure. Eat properly.

 

Sehun’s mind travel back to present when he heard new message arrived. He quickly called Junmyun Hyung.

_He PICKED UP!!!_

Sehun stopped breathing for a moment, holding his phone tightly and said,

“Hello?”

“Yes, it’s EXO’s Suho cell phone. What can I help you?”

“Ah… I’m Sehun.” Sehun said, unable to hide the disappointment in his voice.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Suho-shi just stepped out. What could I do for you?”

“No. It is ok, would you tell him to call me back? Please tell him to call me back. I don’t care if it’s night or morning. Please, please, tell him to call me back.”

“Of course, I will. I will have to end the call. I’m sorry. Have a good day, Sehun-shi.”

“Thank you.” With a whisper, Sehun put his phone away.

 

_Why? Why? Why?_

Sehun did not believe a word the woman in the phone said. He called Junmyun right after the message arrived.  _Why is Junmyun avoiding me?_ His head is about to split open in two. Since that day Junmyun left, Sehun didn’t get a good night sleep. He is hoping Junmyun would call him and he didn’t want to miss the call from Leader because he was sleeping.

He waits and waits.

_Please let me spend every moment with Junmyunnie Hyung regardless of happy or sad. Please let us be together._

That was his birthday wish 6 months ago.  _Are gods busy with someone else? Is there anyone up there to hear him out and grant him his wish?_ Sehun hugged the grey hoodie Junmyun used to wear. He wore Junmyun’s sweater and now he smelled like Junmyun.

_Hyung, I miss you._

_I miss you. So bad._

* * *

__

_to be continued..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone noticed I set 2016 October as Present?
> 
> Yes, ending is approaching everyone.


	15. Haphazard Chance

## Present - Haphazard Chance

10 days ago [10th Oct, 2016]

“What happens now?” Junmyun hold his phone in death grip. A doctor in front of him is telling him he as some sort of sickness that he never heard of. But what doctor says all makes sense to what is happening to him.

 

His constant worry of what if  _Sehun_ left him.

His panic disorder whenever he thought he was left alone again.

 

“I suggest you better not be in a relationship. It could make your Autophobia worse. Your work wouldn’t be affected by this kind of phobia.”

Junmyun click home screen of his phone. The picture of Sehun and Him taken on Sehunnie’s birthday this year shows up. Sehun is happily staring right back at him.

“What will happen if I am to be in a relationship? A serious one.”

“Even it’s not for serious one, Autophobia will make you think you are in love. You will expect very extreme and unnatural things from the relationship and from the other party. It could be explained in one common word. You will be an obsessive boyfriend. You will constantly worry and started to imagine things that aren’t real in the first place. Of course, it’s all the sickness. But by the time Autophobia gets control of your mind, you won’t be able to know what is real. This is why people want to cure Autophobia as soon as they’re diagnosed.”

His heart clenched. He wouldn’t harm Maknae. He wouldn’t let his Hunnie be victim of his crazy obsessiveness.

“So, this sickness be cured?”

“Gladly, yes. If you have the will, and the time, I am very happy to help you.”

A relief washed through Junmyun. He paid no mind as the doctor explained CBT (Cognitive Behavioral therapy) which is a psychotherapy. The doctor went on and on. The time he has to spend in his office and the things he shouldn’t do.

His mind only fly to Sehun.

His Sehun.

He wouldn’t say all this to his Maknae. Sehun is only tough on the surface. Sehun’s heart would break if he told him everything. Junmyun clicked home screen again. His smile appeared on his face faintly as he watched Sehun.

_Sehun-ah, please wait for me a little longer._

## Present

> 9:02 am 19 Oct, 2016
> 
> A new voicemail from  _Our Maknae Sehunnie_
> 
> “Hyung, I have to go to China for a week starting from tomorrow. Let’s meet up today. Please, call me back.”

 

Junmyun doesn’t know how many times he listened to Sehun’s voicemail. He saved it. He missed his Maknae. He left Sehun on the morning after they made loved. He sneaked out of their bedroom. He didn’t give Sehun anything about his sickness. The only thing he is proud to do these days.

He let the company knows about his illness through Manager Hyung. Manager Hyung didn’t say anything except an encouraging pat on the shoulders.

“You can do this, Junmyun.” It’s all Junmyun gets from Manager Hyung.

Manager Hyung agrees to keep it a secret from members and his family as long as he takes his medicine in timely manners and went through the therapies.  _Of course he is willing to cure his illness._ Junmyun felt terrible for leaving Sehun in dark but this is one thing he must do to protect his Maknae.

He is going back to Seoul in two days. The Doc said he will arrange the meeting with his colleague who’s in Seoul. Junmyun doesn’t care who makes this illness go away from him. He just wanted this to be done.

“This is his card. Please contact him as soon as you can. We will do video conference with three of us, so that you can hear what kind of information I enclosed to him.”

“Thank you so much for taking care of me.”

Junmyun bowed to the doctor in respect. It’s just a few days with this doctor but he felt close with him.

“I did what I should. Please don’t mention.” The doctor is too polite. Junmyun gave his sincere smile as he walked out of the office.

 

His smile dropped as soon as he saw who is sitting in the waiting room. All motions from Junmyun just stopped. His one hand still on the doorknob, his eyes resting on that one person and his mouth slightly opened.

_It must be true. That one person could sense it when someone is staring. Because he looked up. He found my eyes. Too much of a coincidence. It can’t be._

Junmyun wanted own the power of invisibility so badly right now. He cursed at himself for declining the offer of Manager Hyung to come with him.  _Now, he had to deal with this. Man up! Kim Jun Myun!_

When Kris found Junmyun’s eyes, Junmyun already got time to act more normal. He shut his lips tight which are trembling from shock. He closed the door as normally as he could manage. Junmyun breathed in slowly and out slowly.  He is thinking hard, too hard how to face Kris.

Before Junmyun’s mind worked properly, Kris is already standing tall in front of him.

 

“Long time no see.”

Whatever Junmyun expected from his former member/boyfriend, he’s sure this is not  _it. He left me with nothing_ and now he’s greeting me like nothing had happened between  _us!!!_

Junmyun is mad by his second beat of heart. Junmyun kept reminding himself that he is in public. He can’t show his true feelings. SM taught him better than exploding in public.

“Let’s just pretend we are don’t know each other. I will leave.” Junmyun stepped away from Kris. He didn’t look at Kris as he said those cold words.

_WHY IS HE HERE? IN BUSAN?_

Fate is definitely playing with Junmyun.

* * *

_to be continued..._

 


	16. All I wish  (Present)

## All I wish

 

“Junmyun, please wait.” Kris grabbed his wrist as Junmyun tried to run away.

Everything is spinning around him. Junmyun doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t want to create a ruckus in the psychologist office.

“Are you trying to cause a scandal? Let me go. RIGHT NOW.” Junmyun said slowly and try to sound as angry as possible.  _What the fuck is Kris thinking showing up in front of him like this? There is no way Kris would know he’s here. No one knows he would be here except his manager._

“Please, I…”

Junmyun shook Kris hand away and put on the shade and the mask. He can’t be seen with Kris. But Kris pulled on his elbow as he dragged Junmyun into the doctor’s office.

 

“Doc, I am sorry but can I use this room? I really need to talk to that man here but our situation… I am sorry but could you?”

“Yifan, you have one hour. There’s the therapy room behind that door. You are using your session, you know right?”

“Thank you.”

Junmyun is too shock to resist Kris.  _How could he persuade the Doc this easily? What is this situation? A session?_

 

“Why are you here?”

Junmyun’s mouth fell opened as the question came out from Kris’s mouth.

“This is what I want to ask. Why are you really here?”

“I… I came here because… Are you his patient too?”

 _Am I his patient too?_ Junmyun doesn’t know what to think. _Why isn’t Kris in China?_

“This is none of your business. I have nothing to talk with you. Let me go!”

Junmyun tried to get passed Kris but he’s no luck. Kris is bigger than Junmyun and right now Kris have no intention to let Junmyun leave before he said everything he want to say.

 

“I miss you.”

Junmyun closed his eyes. He tried to remember the feeling of devastation when Kris left. He all remembered how everything felt like falling apart in his life. Now that his life is a bit stable again, he had to have this special encounter.  _What the fuck?!_

“Are you with Sehun now?”

That did it. Junmyun opened his eyes again to glare at Kris. Junmyun knew where Kris is going at. He wanted to accuse him of having feelings for Sehun while they were together.

“THAT also is none of your business. I am calling my Manager. I don’t have any obligation to listen to this bullshits from you.” Junmyun turned his back at Kris to give Manager Hyung a call. He found his hands trembled from anger, shock and all these adrenaline caused by Kris.

 

A pair of strong arms wrapped around Junmyun. Kris’s chin rest on the shoulder of Junmyun just like 2 years ago. As Junmyun tried to push Kris away, Kris’s hands around him got tighter.

“Please… Jun, I am so sorry. Please, I was foolish. I wasn’t thinking straight. I am sorry.”

Sounds of sniffle came from Kris. Junmyun’s hands didn’t push the call bottom to Manager Hyung.

“Don’t you think it’s a little too late for that?”

“I know. I know. I just… Had you… Did you love me? For once? Had you?”

 

Junmyun got himself freed of Kris’s arms around him and pushed Kris’s chest.

“I DID! YES! I FUCKING DID LOVE YOU! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO??? HUH? Are you happy now that you successfully break me apart back then? Yes, I came here to get help with my Autophobia. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE AFTEREFFECTS OF YOU ON ME? ARE YOU HAPPY?”

Junmyun shouted as tears pouring down his cheeks. He continued to push Kris’s chest till Kris’s back at against the wall. Junmyun’s hands were stopped by Kris’s owns. Kris soothed Junmyun as he pulled the Korean into his embrace.

Junmyun continued to cry as Kris’s right hand on his back, steadying him and Kris’s left hand on his head, going up and down, comforting him.

Junmyun had missed this. Kris’s scent. Kris’s big hand on his hair. 2 years ago. If this kind of encounter happened 2 years ago, things would be different. Now…

 

Junmyun pulled himself away from Kris. Kris’s embrace is still very comfortable. Junmyun could get lost in those brown eyes of Kris but he had something different. He want someone different.

“Jun…”

“Please don’t say anything anymore. I can’t hear. Please leave me alone. Right now, I am happy. Even without you, I somehow managed to be happy. So, let’s just leave it at that. I don’t hate you. I…”

“It’s ok. I am sorry. I didn’t mean to show up like this. I didn’t know you would be here. Of course, I will not interfere with your life. I just want you to be happy and if you’re happy right now, that’s all I could hope for. I was rude to you.”

Kris stepped aside from the doorway with his head bow down.

“I…”

Junmyun opened his mouth to say something but he closed it.  _Let’s leave it, Junmyun. Let’s just leave it._ Junmyun wanted to know why Kris was here. If Kris isn’t here to find him, why was he here? Is he sick? But that doctor is psychologist.  _What was wrong with him?_ Junmyun closed his eyes, rubbing his tears away and straightened his back as he walked away.

 

 


	17. Still Lost in the past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Kris ~

**(Present)**

_For Kris_

_Stop. Stop. Stop._

Kris watched as the love of his life walking step by step, taking a piece of his heart with each steps he took. Kris wanted to shout STOP and wanted to cage Junmyun in his arms. Kris wanted to a lot things. Back then, he wanted all the things EXO can’t give him, things SM can’t get him so he got those by himself.

_Even without you, I somehow managed to be happy._

Junmyun’s words rang in his ears.

Junmyun is happy. Something he didn’t have right now. He used SNS like a crazy fan-girl and stalked Junmyun. Junmyun looked happier these days,  _with Sehun._

Kris’s legs can’t support his body. He dropped down on the floor like a dead person. His face in his hands, his body shook as he cried into his hands.

_One person that cannot be touched._

_One person that cannot be held._

His Jun. The one and only person that he fall in love with. But in the reflections of Junmyun’s eyes, it wasn’t him. Those smiling eyes, looking up at someone who isn’t him and it hurt him. It hurts so much. And he, himself is the only person to blame.

Kris started to take the sleeping pills when he got separated with Junmyun. As months passed, one pill is no longer enough to put him under sleep. So he took two. Now he took three with alcohol. He is desperate. Kris is desperate for sleep because dreams is the only place he met his Jun.

Kris pulled out his phone. He took a long breathe in and out.

“Let them know.”

Kris talk quietly to the phone. A decision he made just now.

“Let them know that… I am in Busan, Korea.”

 

Kris ended the call. He is no longer crying. Kris cleared out the remnant of tears on his face. He dialed another number.

“Find me a hotel in Seoul. Make it a secret.”

 

Kris stands up, putting his phone back in his pocket. He put on a poker face, opening the door to meet his doctor.

“You can leave the way you entered. Another patient is waiting.” The doctor said without looking up from his documents.

Kris smiled a little as he sense the anger from the doctor.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, you are not.”

“Yes, you’re right. I really needed to talk with Jun.”

The terms of endearment slipped out of his mouth but he has nothing to hide.

“You know you throw most of the probability of success rate away right?”

“I left him for the things I thought I wanted more. I could give everything up to have him once more. Even if it’s mere hour of him.”

 

The doctor nods and didn’t say anything further. Kris hoped the doctor would say something about Junmyun for the sake of their friendship but, it’s only a false hope. The doctor kept the ethics so uptight that Kris is sure he won’t be able to break it even if he, himself wanted to.

“Did you still have to take pills to fall asleep?”

“Yes.”

“Did you still dream of your former lover, Kim Junmyun?”

“Every night.”

Kris said with a sad smile. The doctor is the only in this world that knows his hidden sad story.

“The same dream?”

“Slightly different in the middle in each time, but the start and the end are the same.”

“How?”

“It always started with how I forced Jun to be with me. Sometimes, Jun really did fell in love. But some night, Jun fall for someone different. It always ended with Jun dead in my arms.”

After two years, Kris could tell the story with a calm voice. When he first started having those dreams, he cried so hard that he lost conscious and ended up in the hospital. He almost ended up in the mental hospital but he met Doctor Hwang, who made him went through the therapies sessions.

He couldn’t say those words out for three months. He lied. He lied and lied till he couldn’t keep it all in. He lost it one day. He didn’t stop screaming for Junmyun names when he woke up from that nightmare. Doctor Hwang put him under sleep and made him opened up. It really took a long time to get him better.

“Do you realize that those are only dreams caused by your guilt?”

“Yes.”

Kris trembled at the word. His mind going back to that one-night with Luhan.

“It’s ok. Kris. It’s ok. Breathe.”

“I…”

Kris opened his mouth for oxygen. He gasped as nothing came. Kris gripped on the table, he tried to stand but his legs didn’t obey. He fall.

“Kris, remember our session. Remember it is only a mistake. It is a mistake and you paid for it. Breathe. Breathe.”

“No…”

Kris continued to struggle. His eyes burned with tears as his lungs screamed for oxygen.

 

“Panic Attack. Send the meds.”

The doctor quickly said to the phone as he went down to help Kris. He shook his head as those sessions were all ineffective. Kris was doing great till yesterday. But now, all are nothing.

The medical team helped Kris. Kris slowly opened his eyes. His eyes found those of the doctors.

“I’m sorry.”

Kris slowly gave into the darkness that is overpowering him.

* * *

_to be continued..._


	18. Insecurities

Sehun tightly grasped the phone in his hand. There is already 10 articles talking about Kris in Busan. He wanted to go back Seoul, making sure Junmyun is not in Busan but he can’t. He hated individual schedules. He didn’t want to do solo and he didn’t wish to.

Sehun first rejected those movies offer by himself. When Junmyun Hyung found out he had already rejected 2 offer, Junmyun was so angry he won’t look at Sehun for one day. When Junmyun asked why, Sehun didn’t dare answer. He just lied that he’s scared. He had enough being called ‘bad singer’ and he didn’t want another title ‘bad actor’ too.

This is when Junmyun hold him. Junmyun held him so tightly that he couldn’t breathe. Junmyun would tell him that,

“You are the star. The brightest star in this whole universe so that people can’t help but look only at him. Whenever you are on stage, I couldn’t help but admire. This brilliant young man is the one I scolded years ago. I am so proud of my Sehunnie so, don’t be afraid and just go get Daesang in acting.”

It could be mere words of consolation for other people but for Sehun, those words make him tear up. Sehun felt bad that he lied. Sehun felt loved that his respected Hyung thought of him so highly like this.

 

Sehun stared at his phone screen. Junmyun Hyung in the picture is smiling at him so stunningly. He only stopped when one of the staffs came to get him. He is at the filming set of his new Chinese movie.

“Oh Sehun-shi, everything’s ready.”

“Yes, I will be coming right up.”

Sehun politely answered and gave his phone to manager. He went through the script for current scene once more before going.

And, he gave his all.

 

“Everyone had worked hard. Sehun-shi, you have worked hard. That’s it for today.”

Sehun bowed towards everyone at the set as he silently went to his van. He sighed down and looked for his phone as soon as the door of van closed in. He dialed Manager Hyung’s number who should be with Junmyun Hyung.

He picked up.

“Hello?”

“Hyung, it’s me, Sehun. Is Myun Hyung with you now?”

“Um… no, he’s sleeping.”

Sehun rolled his eyes. He had enough.

“Really? How are things in Busan?”

“Oh, good. We are coming to Seoul today.”

 

Sehun almost dropped his phone.  _Junmyun was at Busan._

“Did he meet with Kris? Did you help him? Why? Why would he meet with Kris?”

It can’t be.

Junmyun Hyung said he would never accept Kris back. Even if came back begging,  _Junmyun Hyung had said… Did he have a change of heart? Did he still have some feelings left for Kris? Kris was his first after all. What am I going to do…?_

“Kris? What are you talking about? Sehun?”

Sehun turned off his phone. He needed to be alone. He needed to think.

 

“What did he say? Is he well? Did something happen?” Junmyun shot his Manager Hyung with questions.

“Why don’t you just call him?”

“Hyung, don’t be like this. Tell me.” Junmyun urged Manager Hyung to answer him. He knows he could have just talk to Sehun. But he have no answers for Sehun right now. He couldn’t talk with Sehun without lying to Sehun. He hated to lie his Maknae so I avoided to talk with Sehun.

“He asked me about Kris.”

“WHAT? HOW? Why did he ask about Kris?” Junmyun quickly controls his shock and acts natural. He still haven’t told his Manager Hyung about the small encounter. He did not know where to start. He didn’t want his Manager Hyung to make a fuss, reporting to SM and cause another headache.

“Sehun sounded strange. He ended the call so abruptly after asking me about Busan. Maybe he was just busy at that moment.”

“He… did what?”

Junmyun quickly went for his phone, opening his mobile data. There is no way Sehun who is in China would know something his Manager Hyung who is in Busan didn’t.

“How was Busan? He asked me that. After I told him you were sleeping. He acted weird or maybe I was just overthinking.”

“No. Hyung. No. There’s something you did not know.”

Junmyun hold his phone as he stared at the news and articles. He searched about his articles being in Busan but fortunately there is none. He made extra effort for not being seen in Busan.

“Junmyun, please do not tell me you meet with Kris secretly.”

“No. Yes. I mean, it wasn’t planned. I did not lie to you. I was just going to my session and then Kris just showed up. It was so sudden. It happened so fast. There won’t be any scandal about us, I promised.”

Manager Hyung started dialing some numbers on his phone. He is reporting as expected. Junmyun did not blame Manager Hyung. He was just doing his job.

He slumped back down to the seat at he stared at the picture taken by paparazzi of Kris. He is so tall. So full of charisma. Only those who didn’t recognize Kris would be idiots. He closed the article as he pressed the home bottom. He saw his shirtless Maknae staring him back with an intense look. He instantly felt hot. He pressed his phone on his heart.

_Hunnie, I miss you._

_I want to hold you._

Junmyun told the driver to open the song ‘playboy’. Junmyun stayed his eyes closed, imagining the practice of playboy choreography with Sehun for the rest of the ride.

* * *

_To be continued..._


	19. Does not Matter

## Present - Does not matter

 

“Tell the director to wrap all of my scenes today. I have to go back to Korea tomorrow. Tonight flight.” Sehun told his Manager.

The filming is tough. He has to do exactly as the director says. Luckily, the director wasn’t too difficult. He is satisfied that the workload is put on the actor and the best part is no extra wages.

“That’s all for today. Everyone must have exhausted today. Especially Sehun, thank you for your hard work.”

“Thanks to everyone, today finished without any difficulties.” Sehun greeted everyone on the scenes and he hurriedly get back to his van. He’s got a plane to catch.

Sehun didn’t even shower. He originally planned to sleep through the flight but as work is no longer in his head, thoughts about Junmyun Hyung came like a storm. Sehun didn’t get any sleep.

Without being known by anyone, Sehun managed to land on Korea. He wore a wig and some ridiculous clothes and shades so that no one would know it’s him. He headed straight to the dorm. He should still be in China till tomorrow night so no one would anticipate his presence.  _Junmyun Hyung wouldn’t be able to avoid me._

 

He opened the door quietly. He wouldn’t know who’s at the dorm just by looking at the shoes place because everyone owns at least 20 pairs.

Sehun walked towards the door of his shared room with Leader. He put his hand on the doorknob and turn to open. It wasn’t locked. Without a sound, Sehun managed to open the door slightly. His eyes peeked through the door.

 

“Yes, I am telling the truth. Hyung, shouldn’t you at least believe me? I just went to the doctor.”

_Doctor?_

“My therapy sessions. Yes, Kris just show up. I swear I never contacted him. Not even a text message. God. It’s so frustrating.”

_Junmyun Hyung did not lie. It was… what was it? Why would Junmyun Hyung need a therapy? And why would Kris…_

Sehun did not understand. He is still taking in the new information about his lover Hyung. Junmyun is hiding this from him.

 _‘I have issues.’_ Junmyun hyung had told him. Sehun decided to make his presence known. He has to know all about Junmyun.  _He most hated to keep under the dark._

 

“YES. I have told you so many times. No one knew I went to Busan. I have no idea what Kris was doing there.”

Junmyun is in the middle of heated conversation. He wouldn’t notice the Sehun who is walking like the wind. Junmyun froze when Sehun called out.

“Hyung.”

 

Junmyun slowly turned his back. His mouth, gaping opened.

“Can I talk with you?”

 

 _Shit. Shit. Shit._ Junmyun closed his mouth and opened his mouth again. He know he had to say something.  _How much did Sehun hear?_

“I need to deal with something right now. I will call you back. Don’t call me.” Junmyun ended the call right away.

 

“Hunnie… how?”

“I saw the articles.”

“Let me explain. There is no…”

Sehun stepped closer, bringing his leader Hyung into his embrace. Sehun let his forehead rest on Junmyun’s shoulder. His leader hyung, smells as incredible as always.

“I heard. I trust you.”

Junmyun sighed out with a relief. Junmyun hugged Sehun back. He missed his Maknae so much. He forgot about everything which is not Sehun right this moment. He forgot he has mental illness. He forgot the company is going crazy about when his scandal with Kris is going to come out. He forgot that there is a chance that Maknae heard what he said to his Manager through the phone call.

 

“Myun Hyung. I missed you.” Sehun hugged Junmyun tighter.

“Me too.” As soon as those words came out of Junmyun, everything he intended to forget came hit him like a thunder. He stiffened. He pushed Sehun away.

“What’s wrong? Hyung?”

Junmyun nervously looked at the ground. He looked at his bare legs as he only wore boxers and simple T-shirt.

“How much did you hear?”

“Meeting with Kris is entirely coincidental. You have issues that need therapy. What it is?”  
 

_Christ._

It’s almost everything without details.

“Hyung, I need you to be honest with me.”

 

“Hyung.”

Sehun stepped closer to Junmyun as he didn’t answer.

 

“Autohpobia.” Junmyun flied to the other side of the room as if Sehun is the virus he needed to go away from.

“Have you ever heard of this? The fear of being left alone. So the doctor says.”

“What?”

“Those panic attacks. Every irrational things I did. Doctor said those are all caused by the Autophobia.”

“I don’t understand. It still doesn’t explain why you want to go away from me? Did you not trust me enough? Did you afraid that I might leave you? Like Kris?”

“No! Yes! I am afraid that you might leave me. But I trust you. It’s the illness. It is all about the illness. Those who have Autophobia should never be in a relationship. If they do, they become so obsessive about the involved party. I am told that if I am in a relationship, you will be harmed. BY ME. Not others. ME. Sehun. I will not hurt you. Diseases or not, crazy or not, I will never choose to harm you.”

Junmyun cried out. He had been holding those words in for so long.

“AND I TRUST YOU. I trust that Hyung will never hurt me. I don’t care about you’re crazy or not. Hyung, please let me be with you.”

“No.”

“Hyung. It doesn’t make sense. If you are afraid of being left alone, you should be staying with me. Not away from me.”

“No Sehun. You don’t understand.”

“I understand.”

“NO. YOU FUCKING DON’T. The other day, when Baekhyun got near you. You let him bit you in the arms. Didn’t you?”

“It’s… where does it come from? It was nothing.” Sehun is so perplexed by the way Junmyun is acting.

Junmyun faced him, looked at his eyes. Sehun almost did not remember the cold, dangerous look in his kind and beautiful Junmyun’s eyes.

“I know it is nothing. But I wanted to punch him. On the frigging stage, in front of frigging everyone, I wanted to punch Baekhyun. I wanted to pull everyone away from you. There is this rage that I don’t even understand. I… I don’t want anyone near you except me.” Junmyun looked away, rubbing his tears away.

“I love you. Not Baekhyun. Not everyone. You, Hyung, I love you.”

“I…”

Junmyun stayed still as Sehun wrapped his hands around him.

“You still don’t understand, Sehun.” Junmyun leaned into Sehun’s embrace as he shook. He cried silently. He wanted to be with Sehun. He knew Sehun wants the same.

“I think I get little idea about. But you’re right. I still don’t understand.”

 

“I need therapies. I have to do this. I don’t want to the obsessive boyfriend who is driven crazy by his jealousy and that fucking Autophobia.”

“Alright. I will wait.”

“Really?” Junmyun looked up at his handsome Maknae.

“But tell me everything. Every single improvement and failure. I need to know everything.”

Junmyun looked at Sehun. Tears welled up in his eyes. He didn’t deserve this kind of perfection.  _His perfect Sehunnie._

“Thank y…” Junmyun didn’t finish the sentence as Sehun’s lips pushed down on his own.

 

“Sehun, you can’t do this.” Junmyun put a hand on his lips.  _Sweet. And perfect._

“What?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know.”

Soon as Junmyun’s lips are free of his blocking hand, Sehun went down and capture his lips again. This time a little longer, a little more sensual.

“You mean this?”

When Sehun pulled back slight only to whisper on his ears, Junmyun blushed.

“Yeah. That.”

“I miss you.”

“Stop doing that.”

“What?” Sehun did not stop.  _Blushing Junmyun is one of his favorite Junmyun._

“It tingles. You are whispering into my ears.”

“So what? You are so cute when blushing like this.”

It just made Junmyun blushed harder. He buried his reddened face with his two hands. Sehun laughed as he carried Junmyun to their shared bed.

Sehun’s deep laughter rang in Junmyun’s ears as sleep finds him and carried him to his dreamland.

* * *

 


	20. All the way to Now

## All the way to Now

 

"Has there been a change recently?" The doctor asked Junmyun who looks like newlywed on honeymoon.

"Just this and that. Why?"

"You looked happy."

"I am."

The doctor nods as he thought deeply.

"So, how are you?"

"I am well. I am really good these days." Junmyun said the truth, he sat on the chair relaxingly. He never been this relax during a session.

"And your relationship?"

Junmyun tensed immediately.

"My relationship?"

"Yes, with your boyfriend." The doctor said carefully as his sharp eyes scanning every physical change in Junmyun.

"I don't have a boyfriend."

"Junmyun..."

"I DON'T have a boyfriend." Junmyun's no longer smiling. He looked scared. His two eyes looking everywhere but at Doc's.

"Ok."

The doctor decided not to push Junmyun. The doctor wait for Junmyun to start talking. Junmyun steals a look at Doc's but he only gets the warm smile. He sighed out with so much discomfort. He had lied. Doctor did nothing but help him and he lied.

"I am sorry."

"You don't need to. Tell me, what happened?"

"Sehun... he said he wants to be with me. I... I want to be with him too. I... Please, I promise I will control myself. I will never hurt him."

Junmyun said with ultimate earnest.

 

"I cannot give you my approval, I am sorry, Junmyun."

"Why? Why are you so sure I will hurt him? You don't know me. You hardly know Sehun. You don't know about us!!!"

Junmyun stood up abruptly. He stepped out to leave the office.

"Junmyun, calm down. You know this is not right."

Junmyun did not want to be here, not even a mili second. He hates this. He hates the doctor.  _Why is everyone against me being with Sehun?_

"Junmyun, please. Just another 30 minute. I want to know about you two."

"About us?"

"I support you two."

"Really?"

This is all Junmyun needed to hear, apparently. Because he sat down in front of the Doctor again.

 

"Since he accepts your illness and agreed to stay with you, he must love you a lot."

"I... I think so too."

Junmyun is now relaxing into the chair again. The doctor nods, satisfied and at the same time worried at how much the name alone had effect over Junmyun. Junmyun started talking about them. It's already been 30 minutes but both the doctor and Junmyun seemed to forget about time.

Junmyun told how they missed a chance at each other because of their stupid assumptions. Now that they had finally come to understanding of each other, Junmyun couldn't still be with Sehun.

 

The session ends.

Junmyun thanked the doctor. He closed the door of office behind him.

"Kim Junmyun-shi?"

"Yes?" The nursed approached him with a cautious expression.

"Someone left a letter for you."

"Me?"

The nursed handed the letter to Junmyun and then she went for her papers behind the desk. She doesn't give a chance at Junmyun to ask her anymore questions. Junmyun thought about not opening the letter but he looked at the English letter ' _JUN'_ on the sealed envelope.

The Chinese man's face flashed across his mind. Kris is the only one that called him 'Jun'. Junmyun put the letter in his bag. So many things are on his mind. The doctor's advice, Sehun, EXO's image and Kris. Junmyun doesn't know about what to do. The proper method of curing Autophobia is staying out of relationships. Junmyun is not sure if he could handle being away from Sehun.

 

A called came in and it was Sehun.

"Hyung? Where are you? I was looking for you everywhere." Sehun whined.

"Why are you looking for me?" Junmyun teased back. He knew that Sehun know where he went and Sehun was just trying to put a good mood on him. The session was longer than normal.

Junmyun stepped into the house. He didn't say he is home, he wanted to surprise Sehun. At that moment, Sehun came out of their room. Sehun hasn't seen Junmyun yet because he was closing the door behind him, showing his back to Junmyun.

Junmyun ended the call and he ran to hug Sehun. He nuzzled into Sehun's neck, breathing in his scent.

"You didn't use the perfume I gave you?"

Junmyun liked it. Its pure Sehun's scent, not mixed with perfume. Just his Sehun.

 

"I haven't even showered yet." Sehun smiled as he felt Junmyun soft nose touching the base of his neck. Sehun was worried. Sehun knew when Junmyun sneaked out of their room. Junmyun is still uncomfortable about talking his sessions.

"I like it."

Sehun's heart beat sped up. Junmyun soft lips started to replace where his tip of nose was there.  _There are other members here._

Sehun turned around, getting out of Junmyun's hands to hug his most beloved Leader Hyung. As soon as Junmyun got his place in Sehun's chest, he started to take full advantage of his position. Sehun's neck and collarbone is just right there. For Junmyun to taste, right in front of Junmyun's hungry mouth.

"Hyungg~"

Sehun whimpered as Junmyun's lips started to nib on Sehun's collarbone. Junmyun didn't know what triggered it but he wanted Sehun.

"Hyungg... there's... not outside."

Sehun somehow managed to say those words loud as Junmyun kissed his way through Sehun's neck, now sucking on Sehun's earlobe. Sehun felt all of his blood ran south. He felt this need for his Hyung. He wants so much. So much and many more of Junmyun.

 

"Please, you guys. GET A ROOM." Jongin shouted, covering his ears from all the sounds of kissing and moaning of Leader and Maknae.

This made them stopped kissing for a while.

The look in Sehun's eyes are filled with  _heated desire._ Junmyun is looking up at his Maknae with swollen lips.  _GOD, he's so damn sexy like this._ Sehun couldn't stop looking at Junmyun and imagine all those dirty things he wanted to do.

 

"Also, there's an envelope. It must have dropped from your bag."

All the eyes are on the white envelope with the name 'JUN' written on top.

"What is this? Jun?" Sehun asked. It is obviously addressed to Junmyun. Junmyun quickly put it in his bag as he said,

"Nothing."

Sehun frowned, looking at his Hyung. Junmyun clearly looked like he is hiding something. Junmyun went into their shared room. Sehun followed. Junmyun dropped the bag in the corner of the room.

"Are you hungry? I'm hungry. I will go make something."

Junmyun still won't make eye contact with Sehun. He left for the kitchen.

Sehun is now alone in their room. His eyes move back and forth from Junmyun's bag. Something inside him is screaming that something is really not right. Sehun couldn't stop seeing the white envelope and the name 'JUN' on top of it. He reached for Junmyun's bag. But he let go of the bag. He walked in circle in the room. Sehun just can't seem to drop his curiosity.  _What it is? What could it be? Would Junmyun be mad if he knew I opened his letter without his permission?_ Sehun can't help but felt stressful.

_AH! SCREW IT!_

There is no going back from this. Sehun opened Junmyun's bag quietly. The letter was there. Sehun secretly and earnestly hope that letter not be sealed. But his wish wasn't granted. It was sealed. If he opened and read it, he will know what it is. If he does not, maybe Junmyun will tell him the truth, or maybe he will never know.

Sehun decided.


	21. After a long time passed

## [THE END] After a long time passed

**_2 YEARS LATER_ **

 

It is very tiring but everything is worth it. Every sweat, every sleepless night, every day at gym and every day spending singing in studio till the producers satisfied. Kim Junmyun watched Sehun’s rapping perfectly. Junmyun felt the same excitement he felt years ago when Sehun winked at him at the end of his recording.

Everything is good. His Autophobia is gone. It was both mentally and physically difficult but he made it with Sehun by his side.

They are done with recording and everyone decided to go out for fun. But Junmyun didn’t want to. He wanted to snuggle in with Sehunnie. So they returned to their place.

Sehun let Junmyun showered first. Sehun offered Junmyun to make coffee and Junmyun gladly took it. Junmyun has other thing in his mind. The wristwatch he bought for Sehun. The parcel arrived today when Sehun was out. He had to hide the watch quick because Sehun came back. Junmyun now wanted to give Sehun.

It is rare for them to have the dorm by themselves so Junmyun wanted to make this night special. He went for the drawer he put the watch. He hid it at the most bottom of the drawer so, Junmyun kinda regret that he didn’t hide it under the bed or somewhere easier to take out.

Junmyun made a mess of the drawer. He took everything on top out of the drawer. He finally saw the watch. He sighed with relief. He looked around himself and realized he literally is sitting in the trashes. He just grab things and put them back to the drawer.

Then…

Junmyun stopped.

It had already been 2 years.

Junmyun had forgotten about it.

The white envelope with ‘Jun’ written on top. Junmyun took the envelope in his hands. It was opened. Junmyun’s mind work fast.  _Sehun? No. It can’t be. But…_

 

“Hyung…”

Sehun felt his kneels weak and his hands sweat. He looked at Junmyun who hadn’t showered yet and the thing in his hand. The letter.

“Sehun… do you know this?”

“Hyung, let me explain.”

“DID YOU open this?”

“…”

Silence.

It screamed too loud in the spacious room they shared. Sehun’s head dropped down. Junmyun did not need an answer. No answer is the answer enough.

 

Junmyun sighed. He was hurt a little by the fact that Sehun opened it back then.  _He couldn’t be the one his Maknae trust._

“I’m sorry Hyung.” Sehun knelt beside Junmyun. Junmyun looked at Sehun’s face which is now wet with tears. Sehun bit his lips so that he wouldn’t let the sound of sobbing. He didn’t dare breathe.

Junmyun felt his heart clenched. The one thing he couldn’t bare is watching his Maknae cry. He put the letter away and hug the love of his life.

“Babo-ya. Why would you cry?”

Junmyun ran his hands down Sehun’s head to stop him crying. But this makes Sehun cry even harder and louder.

“I… I… did… I…. not mean… just… I…” Sehun couldn’t say a sentence as he sobs.

“Shh… It’s ok. Hyung is not angry. Hyung is just… sad that my Hunnie wouldn’t ask Hyung about the letter.”

“Hyung.”

Sehun cried as he hugged Junmyun tighter. Sehun felt the guilt that built in his heart for 2 years lifted off his chest a little.

Junmyun and Sehun did not move. Sehun stopped sobbing but he is still silently crying in Junmyun’s arms. Junmyun kept petting Sehun’s head as he occasionally place soft kisses on top of Sehun’s head.

Junmyun is a smaller man but Sehun is clinging on Junmyun like a Koala to the tree.

“So… what did the letter say?” Junmyun softly asked.

“I… I don’t remember.”

“Hunnie. Are you lying?” Junmyun wants to laugh a little as he found the sense of irritation in Sehun’s reply. Sehun didn’t answer, he clung to Junmyun even more.

 

“I love you.” Junmyun whispered as he kissed on Sehun’s head again.

“I love you too.” Sehun looked up at his Hyung. He pull himself up a little to reach Junmyun’s lips. Their lips met. Sehun let Junmyun kissed him. It is always full of life, full of passion and full of love. Sehun did not believe there’s a better kisser than his Hyung because no one could make his stomach rampaged with butterflies and his heart beat so strong in his chest when Junmyun kissed.

 

“Do you want to read his letter?” Sehun asked with trembled voice. Junmyun forgave him for reading this behind his back. But he still is selfish. He didn’t want his Hyung to miss Kris when Junmyun read the letter.

“Do you not want me to?”

“I…”

“It’s fine. I don’t need to read this.”

“Really?” Sehun is really surprised at Junmyun’s answer. Sehun didn’t think Junmyun is lying because Junmyun is smiling. He seemed like enjoying something… something.

“Actually, I had already forgotten about this. It’d been so long. I was… well, back then when I received the letter, I hide it from you not because I still think of Kris but because I don’t want you to misunderstand. I should have just told you. It was my fault.”

“No Hyung. It was my fault. I should have just asked you. I shouldn’t do behind your back. I won’t ever do something like this. I promised.”

“Then, it is enough.”

“So… it is fine even if you don’t get to read the letter?”

“Sure.”

“Don’t you want to know what Kris said?”

“Honestly, it didn’t matter. It won’t make a difference.”

 

Sehun is silent for a while. Then he got up from the bed. He took the letter and came back to bed.

“Here”

“Are you sure?” Junmyun looked at the letter in Sehun’s hand. He took it from Sehun as Sehun nodded.

Junmyun took the letter out. He started reading. Junmyun thought he would feel something but nothing came. Not a sense of heartbeat getting faster, not an ounce of excitement but just curiosity.

Junmyun read the letter through. He smiled. He no longer felt the heartbreak but just a little sadness. He still missed the MAMA performance as 12 members of EXO gave all out. But, those things are just past. He had to move on just like everyone.

Unlike some, he is not alone. He has Sehun. His love, his maknae, his happiness, his energy, Sehun. Junmyun smiled as Sehun looked up at him with hawk eyes trying find something in his eyes. HE already put the letter back in the envelope. He handed the letter over to the confused Sehun.

Sehun was asking this, that. He can’t take it. Sometimes, his little Sehun can be noisy so Junmyun made Sehun shut up. He put his lips on Sehun, ensuring that he only love Sehun.

_Yes, he will only love Sehun._

 

Kris Letter

> _"Jun, this is my last letter but it wasn't my first. Yes, it might be surprising for you since you received no such thing from me._
> 
> _I just realized that those letters I wrote are lost in between last year. I rather not talk about the content of those letters._
> 
> _It won't change a thing, I know._
> 
> _That day at Busan, wasn't my intention. I don't know why you were there but don't worry I don't ask anyone._
> 
> _I only wish you to be happy and well._
> 
> _I also hope you to be with Sehun. He really loves you since young. I had known this years ago but... I was selfish._
> 
> _I am sorry for everything I put you through._
> 
> _I truly am._
> 
> _I had gone back to China._
> 
> _I will support EXO even when I am away. Will you forgive me if you know I had regretted my decision back then?_
> 
> _I won't say those three words now. This will only bring burden to you._
> 
> _I still am. I will always am._
> 
> _If… If we meet again after a long time passed, because I really wished we would, I hoped we can smile at each other regardless of everything._
> 
> _But for now… Goodbye._
> 
> _Yifan."_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _  
>  _
> 
>  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS STORY MEANT A LOT TO ME.  
> AND I REALLY HOPE EVERYONE WOULD ENJOY THE STORY.
> 
> https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1179182/  
> AFF link ^_^


End file.
